When you Tell The Truth... You do not have to remember the Lie
Getting the dates and months in a consecutive order regarding all circumstances is crucial to facts. When you tell the truth, you never have to keep up with the lies. I recently reconnected with an old friend from 40 years ago. My ex-husband and her deceased husband went to school together and each of our older children went to school together in Dogtown. Typical for true friendship you pick back up where you left off and fill in the missing years. Sadly her husband was/is very well known in the ironwork industry. Sadly and tragically he lost his life in a freak accident. Usually, she and I get together once a week and if not an every other day text of how are things? Her mother, God love her is on hospice. Something I am familiar with because of my dad and caring for him for the last 3 months of his life. Each family has some tragic story about illness or a life that went wrong and someone could not cope. By today's standard, it's everywhere!
Nonetheless, we laugh, we tell stories and subsequently, we know the same people. I, a St. Cecilia girl, and her a St. Stephen girl; neighboring hoods! How we didn't run in the same circles growing up is mind-boggling. We are forever looking up people on FB to see where they are in life now. It is comforting because of the familiar and kids we knew from waaaaay back. {now old adults. LOL}
Due to tragedy and learning to cope with both of us, childhood trauma, life as it has happened and loss, in a deep conversation, she asked, "Have you ever been to therapy?" A fair question that deserved an honest answer. I said, "Yes twice. Once after my dad died. Trying to cope with the loss of dad and then my divorce that followed. Double whammy losses back to back (within a 2-year process) it was difficult to get my emotions intact. Watching a larger-than-life man succumb to an illness out of anyone's control was devastating, followed by a divorce for too many reasons to cite, beyond reconcilable differences. It was much later in life I sought therapy again because I was made to believe something was wrong with the way I thought or acted. (the hands of a narcissist and his gaslighting)
I continued to tell her, that each time I went, the therapist looked at me and although comforting that someone was listening, 2 different people with huge degrees said, "Why are you here? What you are discussing is valid for your emotions." See being in grief is one topic. There are stages a person goes through until you learn to live and accept the loss. But with gaslighting, there is a whole other conundrum of madness that keeps a person in a vicious cycle.
Imagine you are in a fairly new relationship. You are getting acquainted with your significant friends and children but that partner drinks beyond just one or even 2! Imagine the immaturity that comes with such foolery and that person shames you for not wanting to join in the madness of that merriment and more than often exclaims that you are just no fun. Imagine being punched or throat slammed because your person can not control his behavior and blames you for whatever went wrong in their life. Imagine that person blaming you for finances because he can't control his own or even his children's behavior. {Promiscuity and underage drinking, where the police were involved} Imagine being told, "The other guy's wives don't care that they stop off" (where those guys, old men who have been married 40+years and they are absolutely sick of their BS) Imagine trying to introduce your friends to this person and the person hates that the attention is being taken away from him and the person then yells, "no one likes you anyway" Imagine dinner on the table because you have created a home environment and your person is drunk as a skunk, children rude and ungrateful for the preparation, no one realizes not only the time and effort put into the meal but the cost that it took to feed 5. Imagine those children never understanding portion control and taking what they want because in their life no one taught them manners and or someone in their house was too drunk or high to even have a meal provided. Imagine the cost of birthdays, Christmas gifts, clothes, makeup, and vacations that you provided that was just to be expected, and now that you're broke it's your fault you do not have a better job! Imagine having a new grandchild and you want to spend every minute with him and while you are laid off from a job, feverishly sending resumes out seeking other employment, your other half is on a constant rampage screaming, " You just don't like my kids and I am not going to take care of you" while he has sat every day in a bar instead of applying himself to create work for a business he owns? but yet says, I can find you work at____________ (when in reality, why did he not take another job? The answer, is that he would have to apply himself and commit to work elsewhere. Providing stability for his family like a man should do!) Imagine? Just imagine?
The therapist said, Kit, go home! There is nothing wrong with you! You are involved with a terribly cruel person. * Side note the therapist would not even do couples therapy due to his physical abuse.
Imagine 8 years of on and off compiled with the cheating one after the other. Someone, a new supply to fill a spot to caretaker to his addictions of misery. A fool in a house of cards that fell each time due to his own sabotaging ways!
As I continued to explain to my friend, it was one thing to be left for dead needing to go to the hospital, a change of life incident that occurred after that fact but 2 years down the line to be diagnosed with an illness only to find out he was cheating but yet one more time! It was humiliating and embarrassing! Where I chuckled and said, " Do you know that fat bitch had the audacity to send me messages and text me while I was getting a pet scan?" The messages continued and after that situationship ended and he was waiting with one in the wings to replace her, she texted again to help her! {SMH WTF} I said, "karma bitch. You got what you deserved" Pawns and a players handbook! God help this stupid one for believing any of his lies. (or not really knowing where his ________has been)
Of course, for 3, 4 more years he reached out... hoovering; making my new relationship a struggle. I had already been put through the wringer with him and now trying to maintain healthy in a new relationship was a balancing act I was not equipped for! The mental duress was soul-crushing.
My friend sat there with this look of unbelief... a woman with the gift of gab was speechless! I laughed and said, "You weren't prepared for that one were you?" Still, no words came out of her mouth!
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When I studied life coaching trying to put pieces together and heal both emotionally, physically and mentally, I worked in an environment that was so toxic and unhealthy, and the duress that came from the harassment of gawd awful human beings while still the above person continued to show up as if nothing had happened. Complete narcissistic behavior! It was then I decided to teach what I had learned. Finding my voice, steadying my stance, and taking a platform took years! So others would be inspired and learn what toxic traits look like.
I also want to add that betrayal trauma is a very real thing and those who have said, "Well he didn't do anything to me or us" still having a connection with this person and any of his supplies, after knowing facts; LIFE COACHING: it says your special interest by being connected to him, is more selfishly derived and important to you than knowing a person you once called your friend... life was devastated and destroyed due to all the emotional cruelty, and your lack of empathy or compassion says more about your character than you will ever know. My cut-off game is stronger now than ever. Even years before when he called in every flying monkey to triangulate and make excuses for his pathetic existence. I gladly removed myself. And continued to study and create a business in the field of arts and communication!
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In 2013 after being diagnosed with Chronic Lymphatic Leukemia it was the pinnacle moment I decided to take matters into my own hands and become an advocate on health and the effects of narcissistic abuse.
As I teach in my vision board class, ladies know who you are getting involved with. Learn and study his past and his behavioral patterns. Come to understand where your need is in that relationship and exactly what you are providing and supplying to him and the household. The discard is brutal once you are no longer needed in a situation that funded his addictions, habits and means to survive. And trust me once you are secure in that household there is a guarantee someone is waiting for him elsewhere! He will get bored with you and the high will not be enough with you! You will be isolated!
No one on this planet deserves this type of abuse and to keep quiet to make someone else's life comfortable is a crime. The Me Too movement involves more than being harassed in a work environment.
In 2013 in between every 3 months at Barnes for blood test, as I was doing photography and the beginning of traveling, I was approached by a publisher. It was then an option and an opportunity given to write a book. A compiling of incidents and situations that occurred. I continue to work on that book. Remember life imitates art and art imitates life!
A few years back I was approached by 2 different online magazines. The coverage was tremendous to get my art classes in front of the right people. I have always been an artist and to teach has been the highlight of my life! Anyone who has taken any of my classes understands the importance of perspective and perception when creating what the mind sees through color... cut and paste. Images and the words that can manifest the life you are trying to live! #candycanelane
Where once thrown in my face, "You just want someone to take care of you. You are so into yourself! No one likes you! Why can't you be like everyone else? You think you are better than anyone" I am happily creating the life I always wanted... to be healthy, at peace and happy beyond recognition. I am aging backward. I am not better than anyone... JUST EDUCATED differently!
And for those that want to dispute my words and or can not fathom any of it; Again as a life coach, Pay attention to how the person looked and lived before getting involved with the narc/perpetrator and after. Women who at one time, were independent and healthy thriving on a life of their own... crumble and their health suffers after time under the scrutiny of the narc!
Here is the kicker in all of it... imagine receiving an email from the above person trying to justify all of the abusive behavior; claiming he now was so in love, when you know you know (that ultimately at the end of that fiasco, he severely abused her) but yet has the nerve to say to me, "well if it so bad like you say, then be glad it ended the way it did! #coward #ghosted #ontothenext #beast #hag #crone
Fate Turns On a Dime... If you are interested in a Vision Board Class Based on psychology and life coaching; reach out to kitryn_marie@yahoo.com to schedule The class is 65.00 per 2-3 hrs
I will continue to write and talk on these matters! It is part of a healing journey!
Kitryn Marie
