Pioneering Into The Unknown

 I think I possibly aged a bit more in the last several weeks. A turn of events I was not expecting, but knew at some point I would have to face. My princess pony passed with no visible signs other than slowed down, lethargic, and did not want to eat. She was never a fan of the extreme heat, but who is? I received a call while at my 2nd gig, she laid down and died. It was the phone call I did not want. Rushing out, I headed that way to a harrowing experience. They had already hoisted her in the truck, and upon arriving, I ran to the truck, threw my leg up on the bumper that was 4 feet off the ground, put my hand in the air to be pulled up, and did some Spider-Man move that only adrenaline can account for. Devastated is the only word to describe the emotions. Telling her, "go find grandpa" ( my dad). He has you now, Bruce'ms will show you the way." Inconsalable. She took her last breath alone, a guilt I can not let go of. I was with her the evening before and even rode her that Monday.  I cut her tail and mane, and she was buried. Devastated. 

So now what...

That is a question I have been asking myself for 2 weeks. The reason I was working 6 days. Trying to make a way to get her into my backyard in some other location. A home far away with amenities fit for a princess pony, the pack, and the rest of the caboodle-- I love my animals more than any human on this planet. This is what it has come down to.

A person does what they have to do to play out the vision in their head. Determination, drive, tenacity, and a will so stubborn that another life is the only way. The disappointment I have come up against because no one matches my energy, willingly wants to share raw connection, or has the gumption to understand this process, and steer in a different direction because the life they have chosen (to live) does not allow them to stretch outside of their self-imposed prison of familiarity. The confines of addiction, concrete and a paycheck, to be surrounded by people who do not encourage the expansion of the mind. Utilizing the real power behind a work ethic towards progress and expansion. Putting down real roots with strength and depth, investing in what sustains and nourishes life.

Emotional avoidance and emotional disconnect only know how to run. There is no safe place to put a deregulated nervous system. Not available says, "I am only good... to a point, and because I can not regulate what I do not understand and I am overwhelmed  and overstimulated by the thought of change, I will retreat, withdraw, and discard every remnant that reminds me of what I can not be." It is easier, and it is my coping skill, a maladaptive way I have lived my whole life." I want to add, this is also a person who was never given prompts or recognized as an individual, so going within and cutting off was the mechanism used to maintain an upheaval of mind balance. This type also expects everyone to tiptoe around the real issues and ignore the cues, circumstances, and events that took place while at a young, impressionable age that caused the trauma, chaos, confusion, and even abandonment.

This differs from this is my boundary. (Drawing lines is healthy) Boundaries say, I will not tolerate this and at this point, I refuse to interact with your infringement of behavior and actions. Especially if you have gone out of your way to hurt and disrespct my regard for choosing different. 

Now, with that said, I have cut off several people, places, and things because I will not tolerate anything that violates or threatens my well-being. Energy vampires feed off of those who have higher callings and purposes because they do not know how to see and view from another perspective. Therefore, the stifled, restricted mind will project stagnacy because this form of change is a threat to their small way of thinking and being. These vampire types do not know how to encourage or see growth (because they are too busy feeding off of someone else's intentions) towards life-altering moves, because it is a foreshadowing and reminder of their shortcomings. To look at anything outside of their in-stone routine causes a deregulated nervous system. Sabotage in direct is the way they will veer to get out of the situation... which they have already drained dry. Leaving the other person defeated and deflated for trying to improve their quality of life.

Emotionally not available also disconnects from intimacy and the connection desired that stimulates a bond... When a man habitually chooses solitary release over nurturing his own health or fostering meaningful closeness with his partner, it often signals far more than simple preference or habit; it reveals an entrenched emotional disconnect tied to deeper psychological patterns. This behavior is frequently rooted in a dysregulated nervous system shaped by unresolved trauma, neglect, or chronic stress that has left him stuck in a perpetual state of fight, flight, or freeze. In this internal landscape, authentic emotional intimacy is unconsciously perceived as unsafe or overwhelming. Rather than risk the vulnerability required to truly connect, he instinctively opts for self-soothing behaviors that keep him within the narrow confines of what feels familiar and controllable. By relying on solitary gratification, he effectively sidesteps the discomfort of relational growth, which demands self-awareness, emotional regulation, and a willingness to co-create trust and closeness. This choice becomes a form of self-sabotage that protects him from confronting the very wounds that limit his capacity for deeper partnership. Ironically, while he may not consciously expect others to tolerate this absence of connection, he often operates under the unspoken assumption that partners will adapt to his emotional limitations, tiptoe around his avoidance, and accept a lopsided dynamic devoid of mutual vulnerability. In truth, this pattern reflects more about his fear of expansion and the safety he finds in stagnancy than any genuine incapacity to connect, and it highlights just how profoundly unprocessed emotional injuries can dictate not only an individual’s personal well-being but the health and potential of their relationships.

We all can admit that connectedness and change are foreign, and it's an entity most do not want to address because there is an unknown outcome. There is nothing familiar, everything is uncharted, and there is no safe retreat when you don't know what's on the other side of the antithesis. When you look at patterns in your relational growth journey, most will see they have taken the safe bet (listened to bad advice, followed, and took the easy path), which ultimately has caused more harm and detrimental damage to their existence.

As I examine what is next and how I will navigate the possibilities to be-- Its one foot in front of the other until I see the next move. Like any good life journey, plot twists and turns require being open and adaptive in all situations. Modern day pioneering knowing with a stake in land (and to fend off the vampires) and a claim to make ... onward to the next.

It only has to make sense to me.

Kitryn Marie

#homestead #modernpioneering #writer