For The Love Of Judas
It all feels off! Nothing seems right. Where I personally believe I should be in the smoky mountains or on some Carolina beach, I am not! I am mind spent. For the love of Judas, I cannot get my head on right this week and the last. This fog, this mundane, this something is not right, and the overwhelming sadness that is consuming my everyday functioning. Whether you want to hear it or not, we are pawns in some simulation of a game, we are caught up between good and evil and the energy that is filtrating our lives is throwing us off balance mentally and emotionally. We all are in places we should not be!
I will remind in 4 mos we will be approaching 2025. It will be 5 years since the farce of the plandemic. A downtrodden nation and the people who have had to listen to... but I will change it! I will fix it! I will make it better! If they wanted to fix it make it better change it...they would have already! Politics aside; That applies to every broken relationship known to man/woman since 2020! It is tiresome and exhausting, We all are depleted!
I am borderline not feeling good and have extreme tunnel vision. I am functioning in this mode not fit for anyone, I pray it just all passes soon. It is consuming every bit of my being. I am so overdue for a blood test to see where my leukemia levels are at but nonetheless, I am pushing through it. It is a phase I go through every so often. It will pass. It will pass and this too shall pass!
I do not talk about the above-mentioned too much, it triggers too many issues: I also do not care to play the victim in my own health story. (so when you hear me preach about health and the importance of taking care of oneself you know why) and why I even developed any of it is heartwrenching. A bug bite gone wrong that developed sepsis, a change of life incident that followed; waiting too long to get to the hospital combined with severe adrenal fatigue from a narcissistic abusive relationship that ultimately in the end caused a C-ptsd. Do not think for one minute being in an abusive relationship does not change and alter your brain waves. The dysfunction of the frontal lobe/prefrontal cortex that regulates emotions.{remember I studied psychology and have taken anatomy and physiology twice in life} We can add in also a medical system so defunct that allowed me to bleed profusely for 2 years causing severe anemic issues adding to the stressors of the B-cell that was depleted and attacked from the above nightmare. Finally, by the time I begged the doctor to do something it was too late, and after several female surgeries and a diagnosis that came in between it all, I can say there has been a very good reason for the method(my voice) to my madness. {being an advocate for my own health}When someone else is the culprit and the root of the cause, it takes years and I mean years to get past it all!
My current days gather at the least 12000 steps within a 6-hour stretch. It is a physical type gig and I am on the move doing what I call "the pivot" on concrete. Where football players have old injuries from being tackled, my hip and shoulder can compare stories! Who took the hits more and really who fumbled this life? The game of life and what we chose and continue to choose to do to make a living and survive to the best of our ability!
Today is Friday, thank god! I will run out to see my princess pony and after a list of errands that will allow me to purchase a small amount of what I need vs what I want. I need to go look at a car. UGH, the stress that comes with that is overwhelming but the kids would like their truck back sooner than later. Saturday maybe meeting up with the oldest and his gal ( I am trying to be more social and I have reacquainted with long-lost friends from days of old so to meet up and share some laughs has been a nice pleasantry to my blahhhhhhh) Then finishing out my weekend... more work! Sunday working a festival! The money will be great and the people? Well, let us just hope they are kind! After what I experienced this past Monday on Labor Day, left an impression that will linger for a long while. People TIP! BE KIND TO YOUR RESTAURANT WORKERS! AND HAVE PATIENCE!!! For the love of God have patience! We all are unhappy right now! Even if you don't realize that is what it is... The joy of living has been sucked out of life for many but please do not make it worse for those you come in contact with! Just don't!
I am going over painting supplies! I dare not venture into Hobby Lobby! However, to spruce up a wall, I may venture into a thrift store! I need (LOL) a farm print to go over my mantle! Something to keep my focus on moving to a greener pasture! I've assessed my Halloween paintings for classes and they are being promoted and marketed for October's upcoming painting class slots. It is 45.00 a person and you must have a min of 10. I provide all the supplies.
I also am methodically working on this "book" Finishing it will be cathartic! Putting final chapters together so it all can be laid to rest for once and for all! Presented back to the publisher!!!! BOOK: When there is unfinished business it comes with a heavy price, there is a grand lesson in it for someone. Coming to terms with who they have been and how they were personally responsible for the cause and effect that damaged the lives of many. When good times and pleasures come at the expense of others someone in the end pays the price. Karma does seek out and never forgets. Eventually, all things come to a surface and there is no escaping what has been done in the dark to avoid accountability.
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Let's add an insert to my book, shall we? (Creative Writing)
Waiting to go on, her segment was to air. After a hiatus and countless interviews, a local studio brought her on as an investigator commentator. (reflecting back) She had always wanted to be a journalist, communications was her main study and focus but she had put it all aside. Raising her family was her priority. Her children were her most prized possessions and her greatest accomplishments so when she met him (Hank) and his motherless children, it was a blessing to her to answer prayers. She always wanted a big family so having 2 more in the mix just made it the merrier. It was only years into the relationship she could see the devasting effects that took a toll on those kids; children were put in the middle and made to be the scapegoats in his victimhood story. While he had told everyone, that the wife left after misappropriating funds, no one ever questioned his hand in that theft or what he did to add to her leaving. No one questioned his behavior, his abuse or his addiction, and the money that was used to purchase the substance that fed their habits. There were holes in that story and his children; he used to play the hero in a situation he created.
When it was said, there was nothing to show for it! Common sense, ha! would have told him, when you are snorting it up your nose at a hefty price and she, needing escape money, there did not need anything to show! Damaged, broken, and severely abused are just of the means. The problem at hand, the plan was unethical and very immoral backfiring in the worst way for the children involved on both parent's parts.
A highjacking of children, kidnapping, and parent alienation to justify his anger. How dare anyone try to leave him? He was entitled! It (they) belonged to him! and no one was going to take away the glory in his story {but she left. She left her kids}so he could be the hero in victimhood conjuring what he deemed to be a truth.
Every family had a secret and what was told to her between the sheets. Drunken moments of passion he spewed as if a release of his consciousness; She couldn't imagine how he could marry someone pregnant with another man's baby. Playing off he was the father. It was his mother who told her, they (his mother and father) knew the truth but to protect images, keep the naysayers at bay and to keep the peace it was better to just stay quiet. Live the lie and no one would get hurt. The mother continued, that he married that woman to stay in the crowd. A group of friends he could be a part of. She went on, It wasn't love it was convenience. It was a situation where he could belong and fit in. A common denominator that followed most of his life! Fitting in and a belonging too...attaching where usually he did not belong but due to low self-esteem and meandering to the lesser of to feel more important, he gravitated to where a party was to be had and he could be the center of.
It was water under a bridge. Don't ask don't tell and for the love of Christ just don't rock the boat. She was made to go along with the story but she always wondered how 2 siblings couldn't look at each other and know they were not made from the same cloth. She knew from personal experience that eventually all things come out in the wash. Questions were going to have to be answered and someone was going to have to come clean to all the lies and deceit that those children were raised on.
She could hear her own grandmother's voice in the back of her head, "It's not their fault! All you can do is try to love them and mother them the only way you know how." She realized at that point, they did not need another friend. They needed to be guided and directed and protected and sheltered from the truth. Hank though would never allow that because it took away from him using them for the attention he garnered over being a single parent. The harsh criticism came towards her for playing a role she had no business being in, to begin with, but she loved him and it was part of the package. In the long run, it cost her more than the finances she used for them. It cost her a price that had no forbearance and a piece of her heart that would forever be gone.
Her relationship with him did not start out like this. She couldn't even recall a time a date a month when things started to go all south. Maybe that was the thing about being misled and gaslighted. Tell the lie, play the game. See what he could get out of it and of course, blame her for things not going according (to his plan.) Give up what she had! Move in with him! Pay for his house, his children and by all means pay no mind to the unanswered calls she would make to him or the times he wouldn't come home or the excuses he would make about places he needed to be or the other women he said were just friends and acquaintances. After all, it was part of a program he projected that he would live by, an almost anthem or allegory to what he called love and how he used, the phrase, "It will just be easier this way" On repeat, " but if you love me" securing something in his life.
She never fell for the lie but she did get caught up in the fighting for. She stood her ground and always could see right through him the minute he started his word salad of reasoning. Not getting his way in a heated argument he shouted, "Why can't you be like the others?" The answer to that was clear as crystal because she was not!
She was about to go on. The debut she had studied hard for. The cameraman counted we're live in 1, 2, 3...
More later
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Side note: My sister and I always questioned our heritage and lineage. Feeling like we were not of the same. Siblings can become fierce opponents when feeling attacked. As we grew older, the truth eventually revealed itself.
(My mother worked at our news station. As a child, I ran around the news set! It set a precedent for what I wanted to become. )
A parent loves the best way they know how. A protector over the keeper of secrets. After mom died and as I got older, when my dad had no way of trying to communicate effectively he would yell, "You are just like your mother" a phrase I heard too often to a young girl just trying to find her way! To make a child/young girl have shame over a parent they lost, is a moral crime worth noting.
A woman can not love unconditionally when another is standing in your way. It will be part of life's trajectory. A situation that very much could have had another outcome but foolish selfish motives were made and I continued on with my studies in art, communication and life coaching. Writing will always be my first love. In the words are a story the reader needs to digest to how it resonates with their life!
* Creative writing and the 8 billion people in this world... remember that!
I have a busy day ahead! Lots to do at this time of nothing feels right but I must keep going!
Fate Turns On a Dime
Kitryn Marie
#writer #artist #lifecoach
