Just Because This is What you Know; that Doesn't Mean This is All There Is
Just because this is what you know; it doesn't mean this is all there is! (NOW RE-READ THAT) Just because you live one life probably very closed-minded, it does not allow you to criticize how someone else envisions their life or the goal that are trying to obtain. Closed-minded says, "It's too late and I am too old" Also impetuous says, "This is my last chance" jumping at a hastily made decision because, at the time, it seemed like the right thing to do with the wrong person. No compromise just settling for... tired exhausted let down by life.
Right now someone is out there old, thinking they are the salvation to a mess that has been in the works for years. Caretaking someone who never looked at the root cause of all the upheavals in life or the devastating steps taken while meandering through life making every bad choice available because it was easy! The first someone thinks she is the answer to the problem and is very lucky at this time (old) to have found someone. When in fact the someone she has found; only has found someone who will tolerate the mess and the chaos will only continue adding to the impetus decisions made hastily. Last chances and stuck til death due us part. Is a fate no one wants!
Having a conversation with a friend last night, she proceeded to tell me about another friend of hers who is desperate to find a "relationship" She was married for many years and her husband passed. The widow longs to find what she once had. I sat and listened. I understand what she is telling me but typical me is doing that brain search in a chapter in a psychology book. Human nature says "familiar" we long for something that "feels" the same. When in fact, a person is lucky to find the one that fits like a glove and completes each other's thoughts or sentences. Also when young you are more tolerant to "growing" with someone but if widowed trying to replicate that person is almost impossible. And now being stately and dated you are stuck in patterns you are not willing to veer from!!! But yet you want the same! SMH
I think of the gentleman a few years back I had the pleasure of talking to while I had taken on a temp bartending job a few counties over. I can talk to anyone and I am also that person random people trust by sight and want to dish life and all its happenstance! I am ok with it. (rarely do I tell anyone I studied life coaching with a heavy emphasis on psychology) The gentleman in his later 70's was married for over 50 years. He really never liked his wife. They married young a pressure of the time. She wanted to work and he wanted her to stay home with the children. He continued, they fought like cats and dogs! They had that hallway seggs. F.ck you as you pass each other. He said it just got uglier and uglier. 50 years of that until she got sick and developed dementia. He said she was my wife. She did caretaker the whole house and me. She tolerated every bit of my BS. I just provided and did what was needed for the house. She died... and he was left with himself!
He now was dating another younger, early 70's lady. Pleasant and meek, very well dressed, not a drinker but loved to socialize. She was not crazy about the places he frequented. I got to know her too! She says, "Does he not realize he is old" Why would he want to still drink in these establishments when he could have a home of another kind." She continued, I know I am not his wife nor can I compare or compete. I don't want to or do I have to. He is something to occupy my time and its companionship"
On another visit/talk he says, "I just wanted to take a nap. I was laying on her couch dozing and she says, "Can you get up. I need you to hang this and look at my gutter?" He was furious! He said," I have done all that before. I don't want to do it again." I just glared at him... he said, "What?" In my most tactful way {which is hard most times} I reply, "You drag her from place to place. You expect her to accompany you in places she is not comfortable. You want her to chime into your life like she has always been there and to tolerate behavior that you should have by now OUTGROWN! and you want to complain about hanging something or looking at her gutters?" Pretty selfish isn't it? He had the deer in the headlights look. You want her to be your companion but you are not willing to be her hero? He went silent and then replied, " you're right"
It was not about being right! It was about 2 individuals that most likely were fighting the same fight just now with someone else! Sad! Pathetic and what a shame!
The conversation continued with my friend last night about coupling up. She has someone who she has been with for 10 years. She is a widow too. She asks, with sincerity, "Have you ever had someone you could truly rely on?" My mind searches. It is such an open-ended question. I am not a serial dater. I can count on barely 2 hands the relationships over a lifetime I have been in. I do the long haul and hang on to dear life romaticizing how things may possibly work out which in the end are the biggest disappointments and time wasted. My final answer NO! It would explain my hyper-independence. When there is no one to rely on and you are let down significantly by empty promises, you learn to adjust and cope. I have managed to figure it out... even if it seems it's all half-assed and gorilla-glued!
Where many women are still idealizing about having that "perfect" mate or duplicating an ideal situation; I am not willing to settle or compromise. I can struggle all on my own so why would I now want to struggle emotionally with someone who refuses to invest in actually participating in the relationship! Money or job titles have never been something I have set my eyes on. Yes, it helps. Yes, it affords lifestyles but I do not care how much anyone has or how they are financially contributing or not! If you are not participating in the relationship understanding how to complete my thoughts or sentences; knowing what I am trying to get to because It is not too late and no I am not that old. Please pass go and stay away from my duct-taped life!!
I finished saying to her, that being single and or alone does not make me lonely. I hate codependency and I am not willing to put up with someone's personal hell because they cannot decipher the misery they created which they feel someone is expected to just deal with! That is not what companionship is designed for... plus I am not interested in being complacent either or am I willing to sacrifice my needs for "the friend zone" because someone is avoidant and dismissive and or angry all the time because they have chosen to play victim to a life they have created! She gave me that deer in the headlight look and said, "WOW"
You are never supposed to give up your ideas on how your life is supposed to look for yourself. It is the very small-minded that can not broaden, stuck in familiar rigidity because it is easy and yet what they lack to know to expand into the other things in this life that exist! "Just because this is what you know; that does not mean this is all there is"
Prayer Peg, just saying, they do not change! They do not have the wherewithal to conceive a life you have always been longing for. You now though are affording a lifestyle where others have been and done that!
Save yourself...
Kitryn Marie
#lifecoach
