Do We Really Understand What Closure Means?
During the week, as I am driving from place to place, I do this dialogue thing in my head about topics I want to write about or speak on. I have not done many videos in the last several months. My throat chakra is clogged. LOL or as my youngest used to say when he was little, "There's a chicken in my throat" aka cat has my tongue. It emotionally hurts right now to speak to the masses. Too many people are suffering and while I have always tried to be informative and inspirational, it is not enough to help anyone. Writing has been my voice and it gets all the thoughts out in a cohesive manner. There is devastation all around and people are clinging on to things they do not even know they are clinging onto! #jellyrollbarelyhangingon
Closure, someone out there is looking for closure. Someone is thinking, "Why can't they let this go" "Why can't they move on" "Why does this matter, subject, time frame etc.... keep being brought up?"
As a life coach; when there has been no accountability taken for situations or circumstances that occurred, it leaves the person who has been afflicted with unresolved answers. It also says there have been no adult conversations with open communication explaining behavior. {when the person has been methodical and diabolical you get no closure. They let it lay hoping you will forget} When traumatic situations are caused on purpose at the hand of another to gain control, coercive manipulation or to seek validation at the expense of another life or livelihood, it is narcissism at its finest hours! Not caring about the embarrassment or humiliation of harming an innocent person because they needed to be seen for attention. All the while continuing to reach out long after the circumstances and situations occurred still trying to remain at the center of attention; it is psychological abuse. It is emotional torture.
There are a variety of situations that apply to the above. Most likely the largest complaint I hear from so many women is 'How can someone be so cruel" "What did I ever do to deserve any of that abuse" "Were they trying to k.ll me" Sadly the answer is that person has a personality disorder and yes if the verbal or physical abuse would have continued it would have gotten out of control and possibly you would lose your life. The abuse breaks your spirit and it deteriorates your identity. It robs you of your friends, family and your life. You are their power supply, emotionally, physically and financially! When they are done taking and can not squeeze one more ounce out of you... you are discarded for someone so par below from who you are. {remember they have no standard or moral compass. If they choose less they never have to become more or step up their behavior. They find who will give and tolerate their harsh character tactics} They need constant praise and validation for just being...
Closure says it is final. It's the end and there will be no more to a set of circumstances that occurred. It's the shutdown of something that once existed that was full of activity and life.
Again though with a narcissist, you do not get closure. They leave all situations open-ended with the delusional thought if there is not a closed door, I can come back; leaving the tobaggle open for a repeat of recycled behavior.
I tell my students, that closure often can be seen as the disrespect given all through the final episodes. (learn your own cutoff game) What happens is as it is all happening and you're being gaslighted, you are left in a state of confusion not understanding what is going on while it's happening the rug is pulled out from underneath you and you're left standing there trying to breathe. You do not comprehend, you can not fathom what you were just a part of...
When I started studying, in 2014, it was a year after my 2005-2013/ 8-year relationship ended, Although he continued to reach out til Apr of 2022 still with one more appearance showing up at my job drunk and strung out worse than I had ever seen on the following Mon Oct 10th of that same year! (I only remember because of that date and it was a Chiefs game)
*******This is how I discuss this with my students when they are taking my vision board class in the relationship part of the board; Now mind you during the 8-year situationship, 3 different women, he had moved into his house behind my back, over the course, of 5 five years in the relationship; playing 2 sides of a fence dipping and diving into their purse strings. Promising one of them a Hawaii wedding. He was a no-show at my daughter's wedding (too busy drinking), a no-show, no callback, no response as I lay almost dying, needing to be rushed to the hospital... the countless other women he cheated with. Have I ever mentioned Sonja and her abortion from a pregnancy he swore was not his. #liar #jimtoldme The money and my time that was filtered to him and his children but after losing my big job I was no longer of any use to him. And to mention, I had my own home with a child of my own that needed my attention, I was not going to move into his house, a crumbling drug-affected area, where I had just moved out of that neighborhood. Also knowing the amount of women that lived there before me! By the time I figured out his ploy and playbook I had just finished up my Life coaching courses in 2017! I Still trying to wrap my head around this insidious imp's motives and what I really endured. I have not even discussed the physical abuse or the countless things destroyed in my household or the amount of times the police had to be called! or can we talk about his "_orn" addiction!
Just briefly I want to throw in the nautical wedding we discussed, a bit more demure and classy than the Barnacle Bob attire! The girls were to be dressed in cream tops with flowing navy blue long dresses. They would have had a sage green sash to tie it all together with matching bouquets. It would have been a small church service. I was to be dressed in cream and him in a navy suit coat and tie. white button-down and cream pants. I am sure those discussions were far removed or forgotten while the new supply was planning and or while to death due us part was being discussed. #ploysandplots #whatsinitforhim Remember I had an engagement ring too!
***During the holiday portion of my class, talking about family and tradition, I teach, and I tell the story; While Christmases came and went with him having no gifts for his mother, his children, me or mine, I was left holding the bag with a no thank you. We all received the empty promises. I will make it up to you... as he pouted unremorseful ruining the day. I always thought when those girls go back to school and their friends are all talking about what they received and they are asked what did you get? The answer would be heartbreaking (Let me quickly add the ptsd I have because of those Christmases. The cruelty and unfairness created and that triggered the Christmases that followed way after the relationship ended) There was always money for the bar though! Someone was paying for all that drunkenness!!!!
From my personal perspective, tradition and sharing the holiday spirit with family has always been top on my list. I can not say it enough, my dad made Christmas full of wonder and awe and for anyone to steal that joy from anyone has a mental disorder!
My closure came at the end of my studies. My closure came as I cathartically wrote. My closure came at each time he reached out bragging about new vehicles purchased {inhertitance money not earned} and new jobs, hanging up his license to carry for another! My closure came after all the texts and messages that continued, "Hey sexy, let's get naked, Im coming over, I wanna make love to you. Life coach my ass, you're a glorified bartender! Can I come into your bar" and let us not forget the pictures sent of the hag, who he thought would make me jealous, plus the video that circulated with him dancing with fatty 2, Or the 2 pages of emails mansplaining when you meet the one, you will know. Ya know the one he beat up so bad she had to flee!
Closure, it is the final chapter to all situations that once were. One man's horrific behavior towards another for whatever diabolical reasoning... to gain control and to find supply so he would never have to up his standard! Remember they choose down and they choose who they can benefit from!
Life since for me has been an educational learning of curves and tools where I can teach others what to look for in behavior patterns and come to understand what toxicity looks like in an unhealthy relationship!
Healthy relationships grow and evolve! Money regardless you build together, leaving behind what you thought you knew only to have better! Elsewhere... not in the same dwelling where others have filled a spot or where you have been conditioned for familiar and easy!
Healthy says, at any age! I am your protector and I will provide emotional stability. I will wholeheartedly give you unconditional love, trust, and loyalty. I will take only what you deem yours to share vice versa... It is the experiences you gather amongst each other, friends, and family traditions for all the days of your life!
Healthy adults in healthy relationships are not dismissive or avoidant! They openly have hard conversations and they each deal with the demons they have carried with them and have continued to hide pretending they can be different for the next! They also take care of their health, hygiene and body image...so intimacy lingers forming bonds of another kind! Never to be shared with anyone other than who they are connected to!
Healthy relationships keep promises and are diminished by fault to offer empty offers with no follow through to rectify situations they have created! No one plays the victim in a circumstance they created and continues to live in outdated patterns where harm and neglect, not only to self but to others, have had a large part in their psyche all of their adult life!
All week long this written dialogue had played over and over in my head... sometimes these tapes need to be replayed so someone out there can see it spelled out. It is a trickle-down effect! One person's horrific actions very much played a significant part in someone else's new relationship! Trust loyalty and intimacy are all jeopardized when the narcissist continues at his game!
I can and will openly continue to speak on these matters. I will not protect anyone who has caused detrimental damage to another's life. I speak on what I personally know and how it has affected so many others. To write and to speak is part of a healing journey, it is grief and loss of the life of someone I used to be, and have found a new strength and drive to live better and on purpose full of life and love ready to give someone else for the very long haul!
People who know they did you wrong will avoid you at all costs. God forbid they admit admission of guilt or take accountability for devastating lives and causing betrayal trauma.
To book the art enrichment class. Vision Board Character awareness and behavior. Based on life coaching and psychology reach out to Kitryn_marie@yahoo.com the class is 65.00 ea per 2-3 hours group or private
Kitryn Marie
PS The Titanic was thought to be safe and soundproof too and we all see how that turned out!
