Hindsight Is 2020

How far can you see? How far back do you look and realize where you are standing right now has to do with that choice and decision you made less than 10 years ago. Can you see how those steps have caught up to you? Possibly while remaining in a "self" mode you escaped and what you thought would be an easy choice, a simpler act of "this is right for me", you have found right now where you are living you are more heartfully distraught than the moment you made the alternative judgment to go in another direction. Situations always have a way of catching up to you no matter if it's in the financial mode or the mental space. People do not realize how hindsight works and if 2020 has proved anything it has proved to be detrimental because most did not prepare for how this year would affect all in every way shape or form mentally, spiritually, financially, and emotionally. {Take yourself back to 2010. Now go forward...}

In 2010, it was the year after the economy crashed. It was the year I lost my "big" job. The job I learned very much about politics and how pay to play schemes worked along with hob-knobbing with some pretty influential people. Although disguised as an event coordinator's position it allowed me a larger broader knowledge into what working a 45-72 hour week looked like. It also afforded me the room to use my intelligence in all accounting matters. The demand for the job took a mental toll at times and although the position paid very decent, its pay-offs for the things I could not give attention to; resulted in some very odd behavior from my then significant other. A chain of events snowballed from there...

As the owner/ proprietor was retiring a new chain of command was being put into place. At that time my job duties were being taken away and I was reduced to just the girl that answered the phone and made coffee. It was quite the slap in the face considering I had brought the establishment out of financial ruins and was forced to hand over all banking and monies to the new owner leaving the previous owner with nothing but a golden handshake from the likes of every figurehead this city had known. The heartbreak of watching this man leave a position he gave his life too very unsettling. As the new owner was getting settled onto his new throne, from out of nowhere the stocks started crashing and people were losing money from places that were supposed to be secure. Like all CFO's the first thing this new leader did was let go all that no longer he was willing to pay... after all who needs just a girl to make coffee and answer a phone if there is no one calling to book anything!

Now of course somehow in this fiasco according to my significant at the time, it was my fault and I should do more! Luckily before any of this started to take place, I had started writing for a news affiliate. A new group to rub elbows with, get my creative words intact, and make newer connections in a field I had previously studied. Picking up my paintbrushes once again and slowly putting together a way to teach a few craft ideas. The internet was really just becoming a thing and being publicly seen in another light for work accolades was really something. Sadly though my significant did not like the attention I was getting... for it took away from him. It made him feel uncomfortable because it was out of his realm of the same 10 people he was used to being surrounded by in some altered state of dysfunction. I do not think for one minute he ever stopped to think or question how did I know what I was doing? His selfishness for only seeing what he did not have, overcompensating by indulging in too many grown-up beverages and placing blame on what I could no longer provide for him and his!

Putting a ball in a slow-motion towards a new career is tough especially when the choices are few and a handful is rarely chosen. My mental state beat and financially I was drowning. Houses were being foreclosed on, cars were being repossessed, food stamps and unemployment were on steroids as people were trying to figure out what in the hell to do!? I lived on 300.00 a week unemployment sending out dozens of dozens of resumes til I exhausted my resources and with nothing left, I took a job as a bartender to have any form of a dollar filter thru my bank account. Of course that accusation, "you just want attention. Of course, you would take a job like that!" By now my car had been repossessed after the lending facility was holding onto my payments to make it look like I was not paying on my loan. That too held over my head, when I knew those payments were being made. After my significant made some kind of deal with the devil (Ive never gotten the truth from that story) he paid for my car to be returned and again that was held over my head as I was being adamantly told, "I AM NOT GOING TO SUPPORT YOU." My heart sick... I was scrambling to stay intact. Emotionally devastated heartfully crushed and women's intuition telling me he was cheating on me. I knew what I knew and his behavior just grew stranger and stranger.

Leading up to 2013, I had already seriously gotten sick not once but twice, change of life, realizing a miscarriage had occurred and the realization another woman was in the picture, BIZZARE behavior as if an addict had stepped into his body and he could not get enough of a fix, women, drugs, alcohol and the emotional and verbal harassment that followed by it all. This behavior more about his character than my lack of having a steady paycheck.

Going through the motions is how I lived life surrounded by the most unhealthiest individuals on earth just so I could make some money. I threw myself into exercising, training horses and photography and started a small business. I continued with painting and really started teaching art classes. I got into my car and took day trips, overnighters and put more miles on my vehicle so I could find some sense of clarity. Trying to make sense out of something that made absolutely no sense to me at all! Children I loved and that I tried to mother the best I knew how and the lies told to them by him. My children who could see I was crumbling but dismissed it because they did not know how to deal with my emotional discrepancies.

Putting life back together did not come without years of anguish. A breakdown behind a smile a facade to get me through another day of verbal harassment by my customers and their repeated sick stories or the gossip they would tell me knowing it would emotionally crush me. Enough had become enough and I started to study again. I had already been through 2 years of college when I was in my early 30's but now it was time to find a subject that I could relate to, help me understand how abuse works and how I could incorporate it into my teaching. In 2016 I decided on life and business coaching. I could relate to so many of the issues that plague people. I felt if I could incorporate perception and perspective into my teachings and I could help teach creative-minded women how to look within to see their own gifts and talents; allowing them to find their voice and look back on particular ages from their youth that would have made them start to look at things that others portrayed upon them taking them away from their original core. Ex: what did you want to do when you were 10? Who was your biggest influencer then? Why did you get away from that dream? etc etc...

Implementing that career was going to take a huge leap in faith because people only know you for how they know you! I was accused of being a glorified bartender or a girl so into herself... the backlash and the audacity of being criticized for doing more with my life, going public with my story, and showcasing all of my creative endeavors. It made a few people very uncomfortable because it did not coincide with their lies. "you are just looking for someone to take care of you!" No not really! Not ever!

My health now a big factor in everything I do. If it does not bring me peace and I am not at ease with what I am doing... I will completely shut it out with no explanation. This year alone I could feel my health backsliding and I can not put myself into the same mental and physical shape I was in 2013. My emotional health is always in check when I am in control and I am able to formulate a way to make money and do business according to my original goal that I had put into place. I am happiest when I see my efforts falling into some copacetic form whether it makes sense to anyone else, I do not care. I am in no way shape or form to be obligated to someone else's idea of how their life should look nor should I keep some resemblance of what someone else deems to be their sense of reality when it is not mine. I have ideas of my own. I just see things differently and I know what works for my mind body and soul.

As I have put a plan of sorts into action (since 2015) I started adding a few pieces of merchandise that I have created to sell along with my teaching and my coaching. My online presence has grown and although some very nice diversions had taken place over the last 3 years, it is time to get back to my original goal and work even harder at getting this last final destination in place! Let me just really quickly add, I left that bartending position in Jan of 2017 after a customer of mine decided to flail a gun in my direction, slamming it down on the bar pointed at me. When the owners did nothing to rectify the situation I quit and walked out. I was devastated after 8 years of loyalty making barely $225.00 a week putting up with the cruelest of harmful inuendos it came down to the sale of a bottle of beer! Loyalty has always kept me in places I should not be... but you do not tell a woman where to put her heart any more than you tell a man what to do! {I have since Oct 2018 lent my hand a few hours a week at another eating establishiment}

With all of the traveling, I have been fortunate and blessed to have taken, I have taken some very nice photos that I would like to put into a book form. I would like to finish my book, "When He Had Her" there are still many parts of that puzzle that needs to be put into place and written! The story is not over... I will be giving my website an overhaul and I will continue to put out more quality video and lives with my merchandise and the other products I will be marketing and partnering with. Once this ridiculous ban and lockdowns go away I am praying to resume all of my classes. This year has been a SOB and I have not been quiet about it! I continue to call out the BS from our county executive and I am staying vigilant with promises made by my county council. None of them are to be trusted!

So as you look at 2020, do you realize the hindsight that could have taken place back in 2010? Can you see back that far and do you understand why where ever it is you are standing right now... is because of a choice that landed you...Can you see how those steps have caught up to you? Possibly while remaining in a "self" mode you escaped and what you thought would be an easy choice, a simpler act of "this is right for me" you have found right now where you are living you are more heartfully distraught than the moment you made the alternative judgment to go in another direction. Situations always have a way of catching up to you no matter if it's in the financial mode or the mental space. People do not realize how hindsight works and if 2020 has proved anything it has proved to be detrimental because most did not prepare for how this year would affect all in every way shape or form mentally, spiritually, financially, and emotionally. {Take yourself back to 2010. Now go forward...}

2020 did have its challenges for me. Aligning my heart with my head was something I could not do but this I will say, despite a few derailments or veers off into a ventured journey my plan remains the same and wholeheartedly I can say it all started in 2010! My hindsight has been in perfect view it's just life that has gotten in the way.

Be Happy Be Blessed... Happy New Year!

Kitryn Marie

2021... many many more roads I will travel! Camera in hand! I got plans ya know!