The Secret Lies With...

Why can't the truth just be told? Why does a person feel the need to sneak, hide, deceive another? What goes through that individuals mind? Do they think, "well if I do this, they will never know and if they never find out, I can get away with it! and if they don't find out then it really never happened right?" Is this the way a liar thinks? Is this the way a con person believes? Somehow did I miss the memo on how the narcissistic player's handbook is written? How foolish can one person be that he/she feels the truth never will surface? Oh, love, the secret does not stay with Charlotte!

As I was taking my life coaching classes I learned so much! I loved learning the why's into what I had seen in full action! I also love to write, it has made some of my best character references and storylines because art is life in full motion. Right in front of everyone's eyes sh.t happens and the ones that buy into the lie have been made out to be the biggest fool yet!

You don't tell a woman where to put her heart any more than you tell a man what to do!

The roles that get played, the protector, the provider, the control that manifest behind the scenes. "Sure move here and I can provide" "Well while you work from home, I can go do my thing... (because I know exactly where you are!) "No we will go together" (You don't need friends... You have me!!!! I will isolate you and cut you off from whomever you know!) "Yes come meet me at my job site. We can go to lunch. (Because I need you to rant and rave over what I do and I need the other workers to see how devoted you are to me!) Shall I continue?

***************************

Oh let me write this out in story form: "The relationship was still new. How he bragged on his trade and how important it was to go by code, the way the ___________ needed to be just perfectly aligned, nothing out of order. It was a new development, a remodel with other contractors. Men and testosterone seeing who could out piss the other. While the others had bitched and moaned about their significant others, he knew, all he would have to do was call. Give her the "option" of getting out of the house. After all, she didn't know very many people so getting her out and her showing up on his job site, she would feel so special that he wanted her there! Why if others saw that his woman would come running at his beckon call, he would be the big man on campus. Men and their games... always one-upping the other! An ego at work competition. She, blind sighted by the gesture never seeing! The only problem, this was his schtick, an act, a reoccurring performance that was played out time and time before." Many women tried out for that part had that same position, came running because "he loves me! he wants me!"... till the smarter woman realized the casting couch they were on; others too many times auditioned for that same role! sliding doors...revolving doors! Repeat performances!

**********************************************

A leopard does not change his spots, he just alters his moves according to the new player in the game. When a person continuously uses the same moves on a variety of different people, it becomes a behavioral pattern. They are locked in a repeated performance, hoping that the new "auditionee" never finds out about the others or the other job sites that many showed up on!

Every woman wants to believe she is special. Every woman wants to know that she is the one that makes the difference. Every woman wants to believe, she is the only one he has ever done this with! Every woman wants to believe, EVERYTHING HE TELLS HER! That woman has entrusted her heart with a man who has lived a wash repeat cycle. He thinks, HE BELIEVES: I can continue this life 1.) because that's his M.O./ this is all I know 2.) She will never find out so I am ok. 3.) What she doesn't know won't hurt her. 4.) Well maybe this time this act will stick!

Then we fall into the pattern of getting kids involved, he leads her to believe no one ever loved his kids. No one was ever there for his kids. He puts her in a position to step into where many others tried their very best to govern and mother over kids that did not have a clue into what a real family looks like. He will make sure to introduce his to yours... claiming "siblings" every child needs siblings so no one is an only! By now he probably has told you a story or two relating to his own life or something in regards to how he "acquired" his!

The dynamics of how calculated an individual can be is because he needs to control the environment so you never have to question his intentions or motives. Once you get involved though and in that role/position the rules change. All the while you are thinking and trusting and believing... he is protecting you and or providing a roof over your head...REMEMBER ITS HIS AND HE IS ALLOWING YOU TO BE THERE! (there are conditions he is putting in place,. You just are too swoon over the moon to see it)

***************************************

I bought my house the home I am in now, sometime around 2005/6. I needed to move from that neighborhood (Grand and Bates) because it had become drug infested and the gangs had moved in quick. My older children feared for my life because I can be rather mouthy when it comes to protection of my child (Tyler was still young) and property. I always said, "F..k with my kids, my pets and my man! Fights on" The gang that had moved into the neighborhood were leaving used condoms and drug needles in between the houses. Stolen vehicles were being dumped on fire in the alley behind my house on top of the facts the rentals surrounding me were housing families that came with dozens of other family members. I started fearing for our safety!

I also needed to think about school for my youngest! I refused to do the Catholic School thing for him! It was costly and not conducive to my beliefs anymore. I felt too the school system was not adequate or up to date for what I was wanting my child to participate in. I DO NOT BELIEVE IN ARCHAIC TEACHING OR FORCING A BELIEF DOWN A PERSON'S THROAT.

The individual I was involved with lived several blocks down...the conveniences of the relationship was wonderful, his kids easily could get to my house while he worked and I could make family meals for all! His joke even was, "thank god you live this close. I don't date people who live more than 7 blocks from me." I shook my head and just laughed it off.

I happened to move to a neighborhood where he grew up, thinking familiarity. It would be good. A Better neighborhood, sending my child to a good accredited public school system. A huge backyard and room to grow if a room addition (which we talked about after seeing a job he was on)was to be added. It though had been decided at some point we would sell both houses and get a larger home to accommodate all! Us, kids and pets! and the possibility of his parent moving with us too!

I was not even in my house a year, and in a drunken phone call, it was said, " I think you should move in with me. You can give Tyler (so and so's room) and I will build you your art room on the other side of_________! In that same year, it was said, " I can get you your own shop. I can talk to such and such contractor/owner and negotiate space for you. It was also said in that year. I can get you on at the bar (he associated with.) At the time thinking, "wow, he is gonna do that for me! Wow, my own art space! Wow he really loves me that much!" " Only to realize it was never about what I wanted or needed it was about him controlling the situation.

First off, why would I move back to a neighborhood that was drug infested and dangerous? Why would I want to go backwards to a nonconducive way of life when I was needing us to go forward? Why would I want to sell my brand new house to move into a house where his ex-wife and a few others lived! I wanted us to have something of OUR OWN! I was not going to move myself into a situation or a spot that many others held! Was not going to happen!!!

I started seeing words being said and promises that were made that never came about. His erratic behavior and the on and off occurrences became a pattern. Then all the woman came into play and although he believed I would never find out... came falling out of closets! Those so-called friends of ours covered his every move, knowing exactly what was happening making sure I was the last one to know!

"YOU DO NOT TELL A WOMAN WHERE TO PUT HER HEART ANY MORE THAN YOU CAN TELL A MAN WHAT TO DO" A women will love blindly wanting to believe so badly that she is that special and that she is the only one that can make the difference!

On top of adding insult to injury, so many accusations that came my way to cover his infidelities, turning each every situation around making it look like it was my fault never taking accountability and to make me look like in front of others it was all my fault... isolating me further away from people who were my original friends.

When I continued my education and started learning more about relationships and the cause and effects of alcohol, narcissistic abuse, controlled relationships I was learning that repeated patterns start by what a man or woman sees growing up. Living situations witnessed growing up become mimicked actions seen from whoever was the most influential in the family structure. The passive aggressive roles people play and the ones that learn to manipulate the situations to get what they want... as if a spoiled only child! No one else matters but them. No matter how hard someone tries to make a difference or love them in the best possible way she knows how offering whatever she has to make the situation better.

So as I have become rhetorical and redundant, you really don't want to pull the wool over a woman's eye who knows first hand what it is like to put her heart and soul into a leopard who can not see the spots that everyone else now knows and sees.

Iron Clad right?

Meet Me In St. Louis,

Kitryn Marie

Life and Biz Coach