Normal Is A Setting On A Dryer
My view of things is so different from what the masses see. I observe and have learned so much while studying life coaching! Often times the expectation I have in my head, I can not understand the standard to which people live. I wonder where along the line in any of our lives that we decided that this was going to be the norm! Hahaha, Normal is a setting on a dryer! There is no normal, it is though how we choose to settle in... for life!
I am going to give some random scenarios. It is not directed or intended towards or against anyone!!! There are 7 billion people in this world... lots of different people living out different situations. So how you interpret my words... is a reflection on you.
First, let me say, there are NO 2 perfect couples/people that are made for each other. At best we are lucky that we can say, " I really like the person I am with!" Love takes on such a different meaning. The older we get it is harder to settle in and allow someone to take up space. There is a tolerance for what you will allow... and there is also a tolerance for in order to be with that person... what you choose to settle on... the "discomfort-ments" and the baggage that comes with the person's psyche' and or how they have lived. Oh don't get me wrong I realize there are moments in this rearranging of life that has its funny moments but there are also moments of "what in the hell have I gotten myself into!" I Compare this thought process to when you are young and in love with love and you think being with someone is the be all and the end all of life!
I can not imagine being with the same person since high school. I can not imagine what it is like to have fallen so deeply in lust with the idea of love and only being with that one person! People change... only because we grow up and identities and thoughts take on different meanings. Most couples grow apart. There are years of an itch... kids come along and you are now obligated to stay in something that no longer suits who you are. Out of guilt and or the financial burdens that both have caused make it terribly difficult to leave. Then when children do leave neither know how to function because it has become just a miserable comfort and the thought, "why leave now. I know what I have..." It would require a great amount of EFFORT to change the scenario. They will continue to live the "I'm married but will live a separate life"
Then we have the couples who has the wife that has been given everything. She has not worked one day of her life. The husband has built his business up from the ground and she has taken advantage of everything that money could buy her and their kids. His job has become JUST TO BE THE PROVIDER! He has no real life because work is the only thing he knows! He is in an obligatory marriage. He puts up with it because that is what he allowed and in order to change any of it... It is going to cost him more than his business! So he stays chained too... because it is all he knows!
We have then the single parent who has sat a life in a bar, frolicking with addictive drama types bringing different people home because life is a party, sex is cheap and a revolving door has been installed in the bedroom! He/she has beat feet to get to a dive establishment while leaving children at home to fend for themselves but yet he/she will cling to whoever shows them any sign of attention. He/she couldn't take care of their own kids but yet will take on someone else's child thinking this will be their resolve and they will receive redemption for the neglect of his/her own. See those kids that were neglected learn to see it for how it was and then they feel slighted and jipped. They may not say it but their thoughts " couldn't take care of us but funny how now all of sudden he/she is a parent to" AND TO MENTION: also his/her peers may not say it but their thoughts, " his/her kids are gone, why in the hell would___ get involved with someone who has a small child? That is ludicrous... What is ____ trying to prove?" Burdens from someone else's child cause HEAVY damage to the relationship. There are resentments that are built. That person has lived a life doing what the hell they want! Do you really think your child is gonna change that and all of sudden you are going to live this fairy tale? Seriously what did they put in your drink?
Then let's add in the single mom that has taken every dime of her child support and spent it on herself never providing for the children. Her kids will have gone without but she will have had the best of everything! Yet she will make up some cock'nmayney story to tell her children something else. Bad mouthing and keeping their children away from the dad. Alienating in any which way she can to make sure she has built a wall of anger and resentment towards their father. They never see the truth because the mom made sure that wall she was building would be done with guilt! "That man, he was never around. I had to do everything." (shameful and damn disgusted is how I feel about that) As those kids grow, the sense of obligation they have towards their mother is out of guilt. They never ask the dad about the real truth, therefore, the father is always left out. The truth is never discovered. More than very possible he wanted to be there... but every situation merits differently. Any attempt was kept at bay... therefore why bother! But what the hell "did the kids ask their father on their own for his truth?"
We then have the parents who have had children who have fallen into such drug ir-repair, they have fallen into the enabling scenario. Yes, you can move back home. Yes, I will give you money. Yes, If I keep you close, I can "help" monitor and keep you safe. Sure, here is my car, my credit card, yes I will pay for your phone. IT IS THE LIFE OF AN ADDICT. THE CHILD MIGHT BE ON THE DRUG BUT THE PARENT HAS BECOME AN ADDICT BY PROXY. A vicious cycle that never ends... it is the saddest and the hardest of scenarios! It takes the toughest of love! that Most parents refuse to do!!!
We then have the woman who has been so desperate to be married and or involved with someone, they will fall hook line and sinker into a situation they never saw coming! They are thrown into the other person's life never having a real life of her own. She becomes so dependent on that person she loses her identity and the pressure to succumb to his lifestyle puts her in such jeopardy by the time she realizes it... its almost too late. She has been made to feel worthless. She has no money of her own. She has been isolated from her friends and that significant other will make sure... to put her down every chance he gets behind closed doors and worse in front of what friends she has left. The little side remarks made as a joke become full blown insults. Women who are too easy to fall in love...and quick to get involved have fallen prey to a narcissistic partner. Emotional abuse and mental torture that a woman never recovers from. She learns to complain about it but never does a damn thing to change it because she is and on emotional lockdown. She has been brainwashed and she can not understand why it's all happening. She will constantly question her every motive because he has gaslighted her every decision!
And finally in this view of choices and settlements... we have the party couple! They really do not like each other at all. They desperately want 2 different separate lives but are so addictive and codependent on each other. They will fight tooth and nail... like cats and dogs... make scenes and belittle each other but yet will pretend and boast about accomplishments to keep up pretenses. They need all their acquaintances and friends to believe and think that their lives are what dreams are made of. The laughter and camaraderie they share in public is nothing like what goes on behind closed doors. Relationship addiction is almost as bad as drug addiction.
Yes, I have observed quite a bit over my lifetime. You could say, I have studied human behavior now for quite some time. I do question motives and I do watch actions and how couples interact with each other. Only you know the relationship you have and why you are in it! Love takes on so many different versions. Really you should consider yourself quite lucky if you can say, "I really like the person I am with!"
For anyone still desperate, There is no crime in remaining single! It takes a BRAVE individual to stay single in a world that constantly says you must find someone! It is human nature to be coupled up with someone but in that same token what will it take for you to decide what you will allow and settle in ... on?
And for those now examining their own lives and situations, let me remind you. Relationships do not ever stay in the honeymoon phase. Love's meaning changes with each passing season. Sex wains, lust goes by the side with routine (that is why there are so many cheaters!) Not to mention biological functions change with age and sex does not mean the same as it did when you were in your 20's, 30's and even 40's!
We get mentally bored and routine sets in that is why it is so very important to have separate interest with separate friends so that you have something else in your life to make life interesting. Commitments are hard... conversations have to be real. Everyday life is not always fun or a party! You do get tired of looking at the same person day in and day out... THAT IS NORMAL! You can't be the sole source of entertainment for your partner. You just can't! And you should not be made to feel as such either!
It comes down to the life you have and the life you want to live. It is ok to be selfish about some alone time and have an interest just of your own. When there is trust... it never is an issue! The other person understands... "THAT IS HIS/HER THING!" What gets people in trouble is the scenarios above that couples refuse to see and take a different approach to. It is self-infliction... and it is selfish to the other person who lives with it.
I don't have all the answers. This past year I have had my own "space" issues. I was a woman building a new life. All my ducks were in a basket healing from an illness, emotional and physical abuse and betrayal. I just happen to be one of those people who requires an enomorous amount of space and time alone. I will not give that part of my life up... and that has been the hardest challenge for Matt. For me; To be coupled up...with someone after being with someone who was a constant cheat and a narcissist... trust has had to be rebuilt. I started studying because I was trying to understand the dynamics and the roles people play in relationships and having to examine my own motives was so very important to my own mental health.
Let me say this too, as I was being diagnosed with Leukemia, the man I was involved with had been cheating on me with someone so undesirable and having her move in his house behind my back was more than any woman could deal with. Even after the relationship ended, he continued to reach out and play games with the cruelest of insults further causing more emotional drama. Let's copulate that with working in an environment so unhealthy having to put up with the crudest of remarks and degrading behavior just so I could make a living. Also to mention, the crazy woman who had moved in next door had threatened my pets, me and the continuous harassment of verbal assaults was just icing on the cake to why I needed to go into life coaching! Finding my footing after years of a life turned upside down, how could anyone blame me for wanting a completely different life!
There are a lot of damaged people in this world and until we really start to recognize what mental health really looks like we will never heal as a whole. You just can't keep sweeping dysfunction under a rug and pretend its not there! and call it life! You just can't!
I ask you to examine your own life and your own relationship. It is one thing to have idiosyncrasies but it is another thing to settle in and on with something or someone for the sake of! There are NO 2 perfect couples or people... Your setting in life is where you turn the dial! So if Normal is where you want to remain, I suggest turning it to gentle and delicate! Life is fragile...
Meet Me In St. Louis,
Kitryn Marie
Life and Biz Coach
I am going to give some random scenarios. It is not directed or intended towards or against anyone!!! There are 7 billion people in this world... lots of different people living out different situations. So how you interpret my words... is a reflection on you.
First, let me say, there are NO 2 perfect couples/people that are made for each other. At best we are lucky that we can say, " I really like the person I am with!" Love takes on such a different meaning. The older we get it is harder to settle in and allow someone to take up space. There is a tolerance for what you will allow... and there is also a tolerance for in order to be with that person... what you choose to settle on... the "discomfort-ments" and the baggage that comes with the person's psyche' and or how they have lived. Oh don't get me wrong I realize there are moments in this rearranging of life that has its funny moments but there are also moments of "what in the hell have I gotten myself into!" I Compare this thought process to when you are young and in love with love and you think being with someone is the be all and the end all of life!
I can not imagine being with the same person since high school. I can not imagine what it is like to have fallen so deeply in lust with the idea of love and only being with that one person! People change... only because we grow up and identities and thoughts take on different meanings. Most couples grow apart. There are years of an itch... kids come along and you are now obligated to stay in something that no longer suits who you are. Out of guilt and or the financial burdens that both have caused make it terribly difficult to leave. Then when children do leave neither know how to function because it has become just a miserable comfort and the thought, "why leave now. I know what I have..." It would require a great amount of EFFORT to change the scenario. They will continue to live the "I'm married but will live a separate life"
Then we have the couples who has the wife that has been given everything. She has not worked one day of her life. The husband has built his business up from the ground and she has taken advantage of everything that money could buy her and their kids. His job has become JUST TO BE THE PROVIDER! He has no real life because work is the only thing he knows! He is in an obligatory marriage. He puts up with it because that is what he allowed and in order to change any of it... It is going to cost him more than his business! So he stays chained too... because it is all he knows!
We have then the single parent who has sat a life in a bar, frolicking with addictive drama types bringing different people home because life is a party, sex is cheap and a revolving door has been installed in the bedroom! He/she has beat feet to get to a dive establishment while leaving children at home to fend for themselves but yet he/she will cling to whoever shows them any sign of attention. He/she couldn't take care of their own kids but yet will take on someone else's child thinking this will be their resolve and they will receive redemption for the neglect of his/her own. See those kids that were neglected learn to see it for how it was and then they feel slighted and jipped. They may not say it but their thoughts " couldn't take care of us but funny how now all of sudden he/she is a parent to" AND TO MENTION: also his/her peers may not say it but their thoughts, " his/her kids are gone, why in the hell would___ get involved with someone who has a small child? That is ludicrous... What is ____ trying to prove?" Burdens from someone else's child cause HEAVY damage to the relationship. There are resentments that are built. That person has lived a life doing what the hell they want! Do you really think your child is gonna change that and all of sudden you are going to live this fairy tale? Seriously what did they put in your drink?
Then let's add in the single mom that has taken every dime of her child support and spent it on herself never providing for the children. Her kids will have gone without but she will have had the best of everything! Yet she will make up some cock'nmayney story to tell her children something else. Bad mouthing and keeping their children away from the dad. Alienating in any which way she can to make sure she has built a wall of anger and resentment towards their father. They never see the truth because the mom made sure that wall she was building would be done with guilt! "That man, he was never around. I had to do everything." (shameful and damn disgusted is how I feel about that) As those kids grow, the sense of obligation they have towards their mother is out of guilt. They never ask the dad about the real truth, therefore, the father is always left out. The truth is never discovered. More than very possible he wanted to be there... but every situation merits differently. Any attempt was kept at bay... therefore why bother! But what the hell "did the kids ask their father on their own for his truth?"
We then have the parents who have had children who have fallen into such drug ir-repair, they have fallen into the enabling scenario. Yes, you can move back home. Yes, I will give you money. Yes, If I keep you close, I can "help" monitor and keep you safe. Sure, here is my car, my credit card, yes I will pay for your phone. IT IS THE LIFE OF AN ADDICT. THE CHILD MIGHT BE ON THE DRUG BUT THE PARENT HAS BECOME AN ADDICT BY PROXY. A vicious cycle that never ends... it is the saddest and the hardest of scenarios! It takes the toughest of love! that Most parents refuse to do!!!
We then have the woman who has been so desperate to be married and or involved with someone, they will fall hook line and sinker into a situation they never saw coming! They are thrown into the other person's life never having a real life of her own. She becomes so dependent on that person she loses her identity and the pressure to succumb to his lifestyle puts her in such jeopardy by the time she realizes it... its almost too late. She has been made to feel worthless. She has no money of her own. She has been isolated from her friends and that significant other will make sure... to put her down every chance he gets behind closed doors and worse in front of what friends she has left. The little side remarks made as a joke become full blown insults. Women who are too easy to fall in love...and quick to get involved have fallen prey to a narcissistic partner. Emotional abuse and mental torture that a woman never recovers from. She learns to complain about it but never does a damn thing to change it because she is and on emotional lockdown. She has been brainwashed and she can not understand why it's all happening. She will constantly question her every motive because he has gaslighted her every decision!
And finally in this view of choices and settlements... we have the party couple! They really do not like each other at all. They desperately want 2 different separate lives but are so addictive and codependent on each other. They will fight tooth and nail... like cats and dogs... make scenes and belittle each other but yet will pretend and boast about accomplishments to keep up pretenses. They need all their acquaintances and friends to believe and think that their lives are what dreams are made of. The laughter and camaraderie they share in public is nothing like what goes on behind closed doors. Relationship addiction is almost as bad as drug addiction.
Yes, I have observed quite a bit over my lifetime. You could say, I have studied human behavior now for quite some time. I do question motives and I do watch actions and how couples interact with each other. Only you know the relationship you have and why you are in it! Love takes on so many different versions. Really you should consider yourself quite lucky if you can say, "I really like the person I am with!"
For anyone still desperate, There is no crime in remaining single! It takes a BRAVE individual to stay single in a world that constantly says you must find someone! It is human nature to be coupled up with someone but in that same token what will it take for you to decide what you will allow and settle in ... on?
And for those now examining their own lives and situations, let me remind you. Relationships do not ever stay in the honeymoon phase. Love's meaning changes with each passing season. Sex wains, lust goes by the side with routine (that is why there are so many cheaters!) Not to mention biological functions change with age and sex does not mean the same as it did when you were in your 20's, 30's and even 40's!
We get mentally bored and routine sets in that is why it is so very important to have separate interest with separate friends so that you have something else in your life to make life interesting. Commitments are hard... conversations have to be real. Everyday life is not always fun or a party! You do get tired of looking at the same person day in and day out... THAT IS NORMAL! You can't be the sole source of entertainment for your partner. You just can't! And you should not be made to feel as such either!
It comes down to the life you have and the life you want to live. It is ok to be selfish about some alone time and have an interest just of your own. When there is trust... it never is an issue! The other person understands... "THAT IS HIS/HER THING!" What gets people in trouble is the scenarios above that couples refuse to see and take a different approach to. It is self-infliction... and it is selfish to the other person who lives with it.
I don't have all the answers. This past year I have had my own "space" issues. I was a woman building a new life. All my ducks were in a basket healing from an illness, emotional and physical abuse and betrayal. I just happen to be one of those people who requires an enomorous amount of space and time alone. I will not give that part of my life up... and that has been the hardest challenge for Matt. For me; To be coupled up...with someone after being with someone who was a constant cheat and a narcissist... trust has had to be rebuilt. I started studying because I was trying to understand the dynamics and the roles people play in relationships and having to examine my own motives was so very important to my own mental health.
Let me say this too, as I was being diagnosed with Leukemia, the man I was involved with had been cheating on me with someone so undesirable and having her move in his house behind my back was more than any woman could deal with. Even after the relationship ended, he continued to reach out and play games with the cruelest of insults further causing more emotional drama. Let's copulate that with working in an environment so unhealthy having to put up with the crudest of remarks and degrading behavior just so I could make a living. Also to mention, the crazy woman who had moved in next door had threatened my pets, me and the continuous harassment of verbal assaults was just icing on the cake to why I needed to go into life coaching! Finding my footing after years of a life turned upside down, how could anyone blame me for wanting a completely different life!
There are a lot of damaged people in this world and until we really start to recognize what mental health really looks like we will never heal as a whole. You just can't keep sweeping dysfunction under a rug and pretend its not there! and call it life! You just can't!
I ask you to examine your own life and your own relationship. It is one thing to have idiosyncrasies but it is another thing to settle in and on with something or someone for the sake of! There are NO 2 perfect couples or people... Your setting in life is where you turn the dial! So if Normal is where you want to remain, I suggest turning it to gentle and delicate! Life is fragile...
Meet Me In St. Louis,
Kitryn Marie
Life and Biz Coach
