My Most Authentic Self
Every once in a while life surprises you with a very serendipity moment. It sometimes offers you a glimpse of your authentic self. Every movie you have ever watched that you could relate, every dream you ever had and every imaginary scene that has played out in your mind, it is really the closest to who you are... and what you truly desire. Your authentic self is who you were before someone else told you to be completely different.
Just because this is what you know that does not mean this is all there is!
I am not talking about living in a fantasy or not knowing the reality of life and all its causes and its effects... I'm talking about who you are and what you want as beautiful being living this life in these moments you have been given. How precious is the view to be given another glimpse of another life... what a privilege to see to something entirely different.
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He wondered why I didn't"t want to go and drink with him? He could not understand I had no desire to hang in some dive with people of less character. He wondered why he couldn't have that friendship with me? He wondered why that camaraderie that he needed couldn't be found with me? The truth of it all...Why would I want to go knowing at the end of the night, I would be baited into a heavy argument. Where accusations would be flung and his insecurities would be imposed on me. Where his hands, fist and flying or broken objects would be a part of our home scenery. Where drunken accusations and childhood anger from learned behavior would be transposed onto me. Where blame would take place for his lack of accountability. His lies and deceit needed to be found with other women and then all turned around to be my fault!!!!at my expense!!!
(It did not start out like that but that is how it ended... cowardly not being responsible for his actions and able to converse the demons that hide deep within his soul. Replacing woman after woman after woman... seeking to gain another control because it all controlled him
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Champagne taste is acquired... it is something that makes the dream seem more magical.
It was just a date... a chance encounter... a moment of meeting somebody completely different... someone fast talking with a smooth voice and oh so easy on the eyes. Arm candy... tall dark and oh my!!
It had been so long since I had been anywhere. My usual routine consist of go to work, come home, take care of the kid and pets... a quiet life and boring life in my cave.
It was a night of... surreal.
To anybody else, I don't know maybe not that big of a deal? ... but I truly did feel like Julia Roberts from a scene in Pretty Woman. Doors held open, a few wonderful compliments, fabulous conversation and an exquisite restaurant all for me at that serendipity moment. I looked around and there it was... a life I forgot. Where tact and class and manners and all around good behavior were taking place in front of me. Where people dressed up and formal dining and music played... I sat back and just took it all in. For just a moment it was magical.
I listened to him speak about places he had been... his plane, his helicopter, his boats, his lake house, his business and his motorcycles... in my mind I thought WTF... what am I doing here? I don't belong here... but I did. Somewhere way back when... I remembered who I was. I remembered the tact and class and the beautiful being I am supposed to be. The refined lady that my grandmother taught and raised me to be... for that woman had gone missing. And here she was...for once in a very long time I saw her!!! It was a ... my... serendipity moment.
See it wasn't his smooth talking or the planes, or helicopters, or boats etc ... that brought me back to "self" (honestly I don't care about any of that... those are just materialistic bragging rights) What brought me back was at that moment in those few short hours... I was given a glimpse of something I forgot existed.
Just because this is what you know that does not mean this is all there is!
And NOW...
I don't know where I go from here...but I will never go back to where I was! It was a very dark and sad place... how dare him ever accuse of "why he never got the happy part of me?!" WTF he was abusive!!! that's why!
There are moments in between life that give you glimpses of who you really are? **You must recognize those moments!** Your authentic self , where you are most comfortable... where there are no pretenses and or you don't need to alter yourself or modify what and who you are...for anyone!
I may never make a million dollars! I may never be discovered... but ya know what?? I have tact. I have class and I have fucking talent. I am a beautiful being... and I have a rich soul!!! And no one ever will take that from me!
This is the most AUTHENTIC I will ever be!
Meet Me In St. Louis
Kitryn Marie
