Leaps and Bounds...
Leap year the opportunity to go beyond and forge, breaking through all barriers known to self...gaining that one extra day, that oddity in itself proving... What?
I went live yesterday on one of my social media pages for the first time since being back from North Carolina in Nov. I have been on shut down mode working only where necessary. My emotional and mental clarity said, "You are done for a while. We are gonna shut you down physically so you have to take a rest!" And it did exactly as it set out to do! I have left my house only to do what needs to be done and then I am back in my spot on the love seat doing nothing but resting with all the animals in tow! It has been a peaceful existence of nothing! I am though working my way back bits at a time... I may be quiet but not gone!
I want to say something about North Carolina's trip first before I go into my message for today. The presence I felt with me during that trip had nothing to do with the person I was with. I was accompanied by this "being" On a day I walked the beach what seemed like an endless walk... Something was walking with me. Although physically I was alone, I was not. I am not one to feel lonely but within that trip, although many amazing experiences happened, it was the loneliest I have been since the death of my father in 1992. I can not explain that empty. I was there in all its beauty and glory enjoying every sight and sound of the beach waves but I was lonely. That spirit entity that walked with me... reminded me I am never alone. I believe that trip triggered something in us both, the person I was with because when we came back... nothing and I mean NOTHING was the same.
It was after that trip, I sunk into this place of this is not right and I can no longer try to place myself into a situation that just is not right or conducive to... I have been known to shut down and turn off and isolate for mos on end. I have been doing this since the death of my mother in 1968. I was 6 years old. It is how I have coped with life... and loss. Shut down. In some aspects, it is healthy to be aware of the why but isolation can become a norm and only having yourself to rely on is kinda brave. The expectation of what you can accomplish on your own and that feeling of this is my life and if there is going to be disappointed there is no one to blame but yourself! Let's call a duck a duck shall we, I have been trying to pick up the pieces since 2013 and put them in a new order. (which I have through various leaps and bounds)
Through all of my experiences since 2013 the good, the bad, the ugly the horrible, the happy, the heartbreaking, the trials, the betrayals, the tears, the laughter, the good health, the not good health, the travels, the stagnancy, etc etc... A completely different version of myself was born. I discovered things about myself first of realizing how freak'n smart I am and how resilient I have become. Intelligence is a gift beyond any comparison. No one can take away "YOUR SMART!" and once you learn something... IT CAN NOT BE UNLEARNED! You are not capable of going back and non-see what you clearly can see now.
If I am repeating myself, I apologize but for my new readers, (as a coach/personal mentor) YOU DO NOT MAKE LIFE COMFORTABLE FOR A PERSON WHO HAS ABUSED YOU, USED YOU OR CHEATED ON YOU. YOU DO NOT STAY QUIET SO THEIR LIFE CAN GO ON AS IF NOTHING HAS HAPPENED AND ALL IS RIGHT. The comfort of their life is not possible when you discover the voice to say, 'WHAT YOU DID TO ME WAS WRONG IN EVERY POSSIBLE WAY!"
Please let me reiterate for the person who is thinking OMG she is so broken, Oh contrar'e Mon Ami! I am the happiest I have ever been in my life. I have found my strengths, my direction and have learned (by studying some deep subjects) what I am capable of teaching. Being a human with some raw emotions allows me to feel very deeply (empath) and share my experiences and lessons so someone else can be AWARE of the type and never has to endure that kind of pain one person can inflict on another! We all are subject to heartbreak. That entity is just part of the love game but when someone purposely sets out to harm you so they can feel better about themselves is the worst kind of NARRCIST there is! It is about what they can gain by taking an emotional hostage and forcing coercive control with the other person never knowing what is going to hit them!
I have studied over the course of 7 years... taking random sociology and psychology classes, discovering case study after case study seeing first hand with the people I have associated with, how the traits are clearer than a crystal ball! The ones that have fallen down this rabbit hole refusing to be accountable and responsible for their ill-fated choices. Those choices have resulted in the same outcome. The ending always is the same! When you choose what you got... you always get the same.
Childhood dynamics and structures need to be recognized so patterns and cycles can be broken. *If you were a child that was given everything and everyone's attention was solely doted on you... and everything has been handed to you on a slightly tarnished platter... you will grow up expecting the same outcome. It is what you know! You will pick people and then replace people who can not give you what you want. Your idea of a partner will be based on what they can do for you... although you will claim "I'm this or that" your existence will become co-dependent on a life you are expecting someone else to prove and want the same as you/providing for you emotionally and financially so you can exist and then pretend to call it love!
Or let us take the child who has been cast aside, other siblings have come along and now that first child is not so special anymore, the expectation has been lessened because younger siblings now take precedence. Making the first child feel like they are no longer wanted or good enough ... the anger builds and the resentment that resides within because responsibilities have become too much of a burden on the parents and now will fall heavily on the shoulders of the first child. Adding in, parents that are struggling to get their relationship right because of a narcist husband ( he comes first! period) and the mother that is trying her hardest to keep her life together while trying to love a man that only thinks of himself. That first child will stay to himself becoming rigidly stubborn making it appear like he is selfish ... when in fact all he wants is someone to love him. As an adult, the co-dependent environment (that he only knows) his mother and father created will set up the stage for adult temper tantrums... PAY ATTENTION TO ME. (I am emotionally deprived therefore I am needy. I will do anything for you... please do not leave!) Wherein the person will completely lose themself in order to have someone in their life/suffocating the other person. Co-dependency in the worst ways.
We can throw alcoholism in with both scenarios combining more detrimental damage to their self-esteem. If I drown out the emotion I will feel NOTHING, therefore... me me me!
Let us talk about girls that have witnessed an alcoholic parent. There are no rules. What was said one night can't be remembered the next. The shoe is always dropping! Drunken appearances at school functions. Chaos, drama, and crisis! Fighting, yelling, broken furniture... the highs the lows... the anxiety, the overachievers, the escapism... promiscuity...never knowing what to say or when to say it... because the backhanded words mean nothing. There is no validation because nothing is stable. Children who raise themself... left to fend for their own needs guess at what is right. Their normal is so abnormal... they either marry an alcoholic because it is familiar or they become one! Repeating the cycle...
Children of alcoholics guess big time at what a real parental roles look like... the emotional highs and lows; how could my mom or dad do that to me? When facing their own child's needs, the heartbreak and emotional awareness become overwhelming! Hormones and reflections a powerful combination! A woman who has a child will become very aware of things "not right"... just as she is approaching the age 27-30. She will question all parental motives when comparing her own maternal instinct. It is sure to be breeding ground for depression.
Yes, I have learned quite a bit since 2013. For all the things (at that time) I was accused of... blatant disrespect because I would not fit into the mold of someone else's dysfunction. Studying these classes reinforced what I always knew. I now plant seeds, write and talk about it... and I live a more purpose-filled life using my own experiences as teaching tools. Until people really come to their own awakenings...nothing ever changes. I will keep at it by leaps and bounds, making strides in my own personal life gaining personal health and happiness because although life is not perfect, I know what I need in my life to keep me emotionally balanced.
Where I go from here depends on my classes and my open willingness to find new experiences. Travel will always be apart of the deal. My camera is readily available in hand ready to catch the moments as they happen! Living life in real-time being able to expose the adventures as they happen. I am still writing my story... the why of what used to be; is now the next chapter; that is happening!
Stay Tuned... if you would like to know more
I went live yesterday on one of my social media pages for the first time since being back from North Carolina in Nov. I have been on shut down mode working only where necessary. My emotional and mental clarity said, "You are done for a while. We are gonna shut you down physically so you have to take a rest!" And it did exactly as it set out to do! I have left my house only to do what needs to be done and then I am back in my spot on the love seat doing nothing but resting with all the animals in tow! It has been a peaceful existence of nothing! I am though working my way back bits at a time... I may be quiet but not gone!
I want to say something about North Carolina's trip first before I go into my message for today. The presence I felt with me during that trip had nothing to do with the person I was with. I was accompanied by this "being" On a day I walked the beach what seemed like an endless walk... Something was walking with me. Although physically I was alone, I was not. I am not one to feel lonely but within that trip, although many amazing experiences happened, it was the loneliest I have been since the death of my father in 1992. I can not explain that empty. I was there in all its beauty and glory enjoying every sight and sound of the beach waves but I was lonely. That spirit entity that walked with me... reminded me I am never alone. I believe that trip triggered something in us both, the person I was with because when we came back... nothing and I mean NOTHING was the same.
It was after that trip, I sunk into this place of this is not right and I can no longer try to place myself into a situation that just is not right or conducive to... I have been known to shut down and turn off and isolate for mos on end. I have been doing this since the death of my mother in 1968. I was 6 years old. It is how I have coped with life... and loss. Shut down. In some aspects, it is healthy to be aware of the why but isolation can become a norm and only having yourself to rely on is kinda brave. The expectation of what you can accomplish on your own and that feeling of this is my life and if there is going to be disappointed there is no one to blame but yourself! Let's call a duck a duck shall we, I have been trying to pick up the pieces since 2013 and put them in a new order. (which I have through various leaps and bounds)
Through all of my experiences since 2013 the good, the bad, the ugly the horrible, the happy, the heartbreaking, the trials, the betrayals, the tears, the laughter, the good health, the not good health, the travels, the stagnancy, etc etc... A completely different version of myself was born. I discovered things about myself first of realizing how freak'n smart I am and how resilient I have become. Intelligence is a gift beyond any comparison. No one can take away "YOUR SMART!" and once you learn something... IT CAN NOT BE UNLEARNED! You are not capable of going back and non-see what you clearly can see now.
If I am repeating myself, I apologize but for my new readers, (as a coach/personal mentor) YOU DO NOT MAKE LIFE COMFORTABLE FOR A PERSON WHO HAS ABUSED YOU, USED YOU OR CHEATED ON YOU. YOU DO NOT STAY QUIET SO THEIR LIFE CAN GO ON AS IF NOTHING HAS HAPPENED AND ALL IS RIGHT. The comfort of their life is not possible when you discover the voice to say, 'WHAT YOU DID TO ME WAS WRONG IN EVERY POSSIBLE WAY!"
Please let me reiterate for the person who is thinking OMG she is so broken, Oh contrar'e Mon Ami! I am the happiest I have ever been in my life. I have found my strengths, my direction and have learned (by studying some deep subjects) what I am capable of teaching. Being a human with some raw emotions allows me to feel very deeply (empath) and share my experiences and lessons so someone else can be AWARE of the type and never has to endure that kind of pain one person can inflict on another! We all are subject to heartbreak. That entity is just part of the love game but when someone purposely sets out to harm you so they can feel better about themselves is the worst kind of NARRCIST there is! It is about what they can gain by taking an emotional hostage and forcing coercive control with the other person never knowing what is going to hit them!
I have studied over the course of 7 years... taking random sociology and psychology classes, discovering case study after case study seeing first hand with the people I have associated with, how the traits are clearer than a crystal ball! The ones that have fallen down this rabbit hole refusing to be accountable and responsible for their ill-fated choices. Those choices have resulted in the same outcome. The ending always is the same! When you choose what you got... you always get the same.
Childhood dynamics and structures need to be recognized so patterns and cycles can be broken. *If you were a child that was given everything and everyone's attention was solely doted on you... and everything has been handed to you on a slightly tarnished platter... you will grow up expecting the same outcome. It is what you know! You will pick people and then replace people who can not give you what you want. Your idea of a partner will be based on what they can do for you... although you will claim "I'm this or that" your existence will become co-dependent on a life you are expecting someone else to prove and want the same as you/providing for you emotionally and financially so you can exist and then pretend to call it love!
Or let us take the child who has been cast aside, other siblings have come along and now that first child is not so special anymore, the expectation has been lessened because younger siblings now take precedence. Making the first child feel like they are no longer wanted or good enough ... the anger builds and the resentment that resides within because responsibilities have become too much of a burden on the parents and now will fall heavily on the shoulders of the first child. Adding in, parents that are struggling to get their relationship right because of a narcist husband ( he comes first! period) and the mother that is trying her hardest to keep her life together while trying to love a man that only thinks of himself. That first child will stay to himself becoming rigidly stubborn making it appear like he is selfish ... when in fact all he wants is someone to love him. As an adult, the co-dependent environment (that he only knows) his mother and father created will set up the stage for adult temper tantrums... PAY ATTENTION TO ME. (I am emotionally deprived therefore I am needy. I will do anything for you... please do not leave!) Wherein the person will completely lose themself in order to have someone in their life/suffocating the other person. Co-dependency in the worst ways.
We can throw alcoholism in with both scenarios combining more detrimental damage to their self-esteem. If I drown out the emotion I will feel NOTHING, therefore... me me me!
Let us talk about girls that have witnessed an alcoholic parent. There are no rules. What was said one night can't be remembered the next. The shoe is always dropping! Drunken appearances at school functions. Chaos, drama, and crisis! Fighting, yelling, broken furniture... the highs the lows... the anxiety, the overachievers, the escapism... promiscuity...never knowing what to say or when to say it... because the backhanded words mean nothing. There is no validation because nothing is stable. Children who raise themself... left to fend for their own needs guess at what is right. Their normal is so abnormal... they either marry an alcoholic because it is familiar or they become one! Repeating the cycle...
Children of alcoholics guess big time at what a real parental roles look like... the emotional highs and lows; how could my mom or dad do that to me? When facing their own child's needs, the heartbreak and emotional awareness become overwhelming! Hormones and reflections a powerful combination! A woman who has a child will become very aware of things "not right"... just as she is approaching the age 27-30. She will question all parental motives when comparing her own maternal instinct. It is sure to be breeding ground for depression.
Yes, I have learned quite a bit since 2013. For all the things (at that time) I was accused of... blatant disrespect because I would not fit into the mold of someone else's dysfunction. Studying these classes reinforced what I always knew. I now plant seeds, write and talk about it... and I live a more purpose-filled life using my own experiences as teaching tools. Until people really come to their own awakenings...nothing ever changes. I will keep at it by leaps and bounds, making strides in my own personal life gaining personal health and happiness because although life is not perfect, I know what I need in my life to keep me emotionally balanced.
Where I go from here depends on my classes and my open willingness to find new experiences. Travel will always be apart of the deal. My camera is readily available in hand ready to catch the moments as they happen! Living life in real-time being able to expose the adventures as they happen. I am still writing my story... the why of what used to be; is now the next chapter; that is happening!
Stay Tuned... if you would like to know more
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