Where The Road Begins

 I think months back, I talked about what I identify with. Quite honestly this morning, I identify with being extremely tired and thrust forward...mentally exhausted. Burnout and all the notions that accompany trying to maintain a business under ridiculous restrictions. I have given myself permission to just take some time off from quite a few things that in previous years "made" the business what it was. The inconsistency due to no fault of my own has taken a toll. Not to mention, the general public can not think for themselves and they have become obsessed with the conditioning that has filtered into their subconscious via news, political platforms and a virus that is not going to kill them; therefore leaving me at odds because I have based my business on in-person learning or in-person photography. Human beings are meant to associate and do better learning in environments where other people thrive. We are not meant to spend hours in a day in front of a computer screen. It is detrimental to one's psyche. So where does this leave me?

A few weeks back I took a drive to Jackson Mo. It's a few miles out of Cape Giraudeau. A private winery, thru a grade school friend, invited me to participate in a craft fair on her friend's property. It was just lovely!!! I can not say enough about the people I met. Small town camaraderie with the most hospitable manners I have experienced in years. I forgot how much I love to get in my car and drive HOURS! It was those original drives in 2013 that healed my heart, mind and body. To drive to Cape brought back so many memories from my high school years. Years, over time, thoughts have diminished but certain things clearly rang a bell as I passed the Perryville exit. 

The fair in itself was small and quaint. I sold a few things but it was the connections I made. The layout of the land just breathtaking. The air clean and the sky always seems a little bluer farther away from the city. The city where I am desperately trying to leave. With my camera in hand, I wandered and took a few photos. Simple pics just to re-familiarize me with how the dang thing works. I hadn't picked it up in months, Even while in Arkansas last Oct, I took few pics, just wasn't feeling it. The onslaught of burnout. When you can't feel a thing and you go through the motions just to survive the day in and day out. It's such a far far cry from how I see my life.

When a person feels nothing. It is an extreme emptiness with nothing that seems right...feels right. There are no fixes, no relationships, no job, no trips, no person...etc that can make that empty go away. It is a hollow place deep that just sits. I am so familiar with this abyss. It is partly why I took life coaching classes to understand how a person allows this to happen but matter a factly, a person does not allow it...it just happens. Life and its disappointments, Grief, and sadness. Illness and failed relationships, grasping at straws to find some sort of happiness. Where money should make things easy, it just gets in the way. There is no amount of material matter that can fill that empty.

I laughed and chimed in on a few conversations. The journalist in me asked so many questions. How long have you lived here? Do you do anything else? How long in farming? How'd ya's meet? People love to talk about things. I just listened and soaked it all in. One lady even had a pet cow. My grade school friend her and her husband raise goats... and of course, they all have barns!!! Cats and dogs! My kind of people. For a few hours, my empty was filled.

After a long day's travel back and forth, some really good wine, and nice conversations, I headed home with the intention its time to give it all a rest. With what stock I have left from the last 2 years in merchandise, I will relinquish through one more craft fair in June and try to liquidate through a few organized lawn sales. I will take special orders here and there but I really want to refocus on my photography and travels. Any art classes will have to be private bookings but no more me trying to peddle a class. 

There is magic on roads traveled. My camera has done me so well in years prior to all of this BS nonsense. Focusing, no pun intended, on the beauty that lays within the landscape and the people that live within the communities.

I also just recently reconnected with working with another horse. I am filling in until the owner decides what to do with her, Ruby, a 14-year-old quarter horse mix. She has the sweetest of dispositions and needs to gain some weight back on due to depression. An easy fix with lots of hands-on care, love and upping her feed quantity. Once she gains back a good 120 lbs I'll ride her to give her purpose and work. Horses need to have a purpose and they love to work. It's who they can trust and who they can be loyal to!

While on my hiatus, I plan to transform my yard. A private oasis, somewhere I can drag out my paints, sip a little wine, listen to a waterfall, and a wind chime. Tranquil Serenity, I've got to find... what fills the inner empty.

It's been a great run but it's high time for a change... my hand still lending where needed but not for long. I feel opportunity is about to embark on me, what I seek has been seeking me and it is a matter of time... and if it leads me out of St. Louis, (solo) I am gone with no looking back.

So thanks for all the years of following. Thanks to all that have reached out, taken a class...who have become loyal followers and customers. For now not goodbye... but see you on the other side of the lens. 

In months to come look for my travels, adventures, and of course all the photos!  Although I may be tired, exhausted, and very empty... I identify with change! #notafraid


Be Happy Be Blessed,

Kitryn Marie

#movedon




















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