That Eye Opening Big Picture
Eye openers that is what this life is about! It's about seeing the big picture in everything and knowing at some point "it" (whatever it may appear to be) changes and that person either adapts to the change because it has affected everyone or they realize they desperately need to back peddle and fix ...
A person needs to stand in the spot in which they are living and ask themselves, "IS THIS REALLY WHAT I WANT? Is this really how I want to live my life? and is this really who I want to spend my life with? Have all my actions benefited a happy existence? Has it personally served me at all leaving a heartfelt, soul touched, peaceful place within?"
My Uncle Mike and Aunt Phyllis had a bizarre love. One that fought hard to find a common ground. Two different religious backgrounds. Coming from two different economic family situations. High rollers and simple people both of them trying to find what each needed in some chaotic way of life. When it was good it was good and when it was bad it was "get the fuck away from me." Marrying and divorcing... fighting, fucking and fighting some more and then marrying once again. It was no storybook romance and by no way shape or form did it resemble the Notebook! Although by Hollywood standards it was right up there with Liz and Dick and would have been movie worthy! Oddly enough they very much loved each other!
My mom and dad had a tumultuous relationship. A love that had no boundaries, infidelity, brutally fighting. One fight to take a stand and another to take a stage. A love that killed... One feeling never good enough and one trying show another way of life... Alcohol, addiction and abuse but my mom loved my dad. She put up with it because in some strange way she loved him and hoped it would somehow change the person he was. It was a torrid passionate love!
Both men working to provide some overzealous way of life trying to prove to someone that they were somebody... trying to provide what was needed for a family but overcompensating for what was really needed... because they did not how to make that emotional connection.
Children of all kinds thrown into the mix watching and learning and observing strange (to say the least) grown up behavior. Drama, chaos, love, fighting, loud voices... come here go away, I want you, I don't want you... I need you... I need nothing! But I love you... don't go! Abandonment...
Often throughout this life, I have said to my sister, "No wonder we can not get this right!" It is the examples in which we saw and what we were visually taught. Decades of dysfunction never given healthy examples of what real family and love look's like. Muddling through pretending, forcing, hoping, deeply loving and wishing somewhere along the way we could get it right.
I understand why I love the way I do and why I love what my heart says and why I fight to hang on ...
That big picture is what the little girl in me wishes she had growing up and why the woman I have become strives to find and keep! Something that is mine!!!!!!! That I do not have to share... something that is loyal, honest, respectful and will not hurt me in any way shape or form.
Eye openers like aha moments and the things that make you say "OH My f...king God!" The things that you want to literally say to some... WTF here is your sign and the crazy reflections you hope they get when they look in the mirror and say "I can't live like this anymore." When whomever's heart has cried out but the mind refuses to let them feel anything because so much has happened and they don't know where to go to fix all of the collateral damage.
Some people live their lives like cycles in washers and dryers... rinse, cycle, repeat. RINSE, CYCLE, REPEAT!!! They want normal but they have come to realize it too is a setting or a setup. A word that has been thrown about and tossed. Makeshift appearances that have offered an illusion of a smooth life... only to find out there are some things that literally have to be ironed out!
Or people that choose to live in boxes that turn into circles that become cycles and it becomes routine, mundane and vicious... and it goes round and round and round and it has served no purpose at all. A life of what?????????????
After my Aunt Phyllis died, my Uncle Mike said, " I always knew how to get her back. I always knew she would be there and now she is gone and I can't" The love of his life was gone... and he couldn't fix anything.
My dad lived with the greatest regret of his life. The woman that went through emotional hell for him died. She gave him what he never had growing up... unconditional love! After her death, he could never make up to her all the collateral damage he cost her... her life.
It is the eye-opening moments in this life... and what you choose to see as YOUR big picture. If you can fix it... do so! Cycles stop when you finally see... whats real and whats the illusion.
Meet Me In St. Louis,
Kitryn Marie
A person needs to stand in the spot in which they are living and ask themselves, "IS THIS REALLY WHAT I WANT? Is this really how I want to live my life? and is this really who I want to spend my life with? Have all my actions benefited a happy existence? Has it personally served me at all leaving a heartfelt, soul touched, peaceful place within?"
With all those questions asked, a person then chooses what to do about any of it..
My Uncle Mike and Aunt Phyllis had a bizarre love. One that fought hard to find a common ground. Two different religious backgrounds. Coming from two different economic family situations. High rollers and simple people both of them trying to find what each needed in some chaotic way of life. When it was good it was good and when it was bad it was "get the fuck away from me." Marrying and divorcing... fighting, fucking and fighting some more and then marrying once again. It was no storybook romance and by no way shape or form did it resemble the Notebook! Although by Hollywood standards it was right up there with Liz and Dick and would have been movie worthy! Oddly enough they very much loved each other!
My mom and dad had a tumultuous relationship. A love that had no boundaries, infidelity, brutally fighting. One fight to take a stand and another to take a stage. A love that killed... One feeling never good enough and one trying show another way of life... Alcohol, addiction and abuse but my mom loved my dad. She put up with it because in some strange way she loved him and hoped it would somehow change the person he was. It was a torrid passionate love!
Both men working to provide some overzealous way of life trying to prove to someone that they were somebody... trying to provide what was needed for a family but overcompensating for what was really needed... because they did not how to make that emotional connection.
Children of all kinds thrown into the mix watching and learning and observing strange (to say the least) grown up behavior. Drama, chaos, love, fighting, loud voices... come here go away, I want you, I don't want you... I need you... I need nothing! But I love you... don't go! Abandonment...
Often throughout this life, I have said to my sister, "No wonder we can not get this right!" It is the examples in which we saw and what we were visually taught. Decades of dysfunction never given healthy examples of what real family and love look's like. Muddling through pretending, forcing, hoping, deeply loving and wishing somewhere along the way we could get it right.
I understand why I love the way I do and why I love what my heart says and why I fight to hang on ...
That big picture is what the little girl in me wishes she had growing up and why the woman I have become strives to find and keep! Something that is mine!!!!!!! That I do not have to share... something that is loyal, honest, respectful and will not hurt me in any way shape or form.
Until It teaches you it does not go away...
Eye openers like aha moments and the things that make you say "OH My f...king God!" The things that you want to literally say to some... WTF here is your sign and the crazy reflections you hope they get when they look in the mirror and say "I can't live like this anymore." When whomever's heart has cried out but the mind refuses to let them feel anything because so much has happened and they don't know where to go to fix all of the collateral damage.
Some people live their lives like cycles in washers and dryers... rinse, cycle, repeat. RINSE, CYCLE, REPEAT!!! They want normal but they have come to realize it too is a setting or a setup. A word that has been thrown about and tossed. Makeshift appearances that have offered an illusion of a smooth life... only to find out there are some things that literally have to be ironed out!
Or people that choose to live in boxes that turn into circles that become cycles and it becomes routine, mundane and vicious... and it goes round and round and round and it has served no purpose at all. A life of what?????????????
After my Aunt Phyllis died, my Uncle Mike said, " I always knew how to get her back. I always knew she would be there and now she is gone and I can't" The love of his life was gone... and he couldn't fix anything.
My dad lived with the greatest regret of his life. The woman that went through emotional hell for him died. She gave him what he never had growing up... unconditional love! After her death, he could never make up to her all the collateral damage he cost her... her life.
It is the eye-opening moments in this life... and what you choose to see as YOUR big picture. If you can fix it... do so! Cycles stop when you finally see... whats real and whats the illusion.
Meet Me In St. Louis,
Kitryn Marie
