"Oh Well... It Is What It Is"
** Let's see where they are at... and what is going through their minds.**
(From My Book... "When He Had Her")
(From My Book... "When He Had Her")
So it had seemed they had been here before. He laid in bed still sleeping while she sipped her coffee. The night before was easy it was like trying on that glove one more time. Nothing fit so good. His hands knew exactly where to go on her slim curves and her legs knew exactly how to fold around him. It was not rocket science...
Like numerous times before, hitting the road and expanding outside their territory was what they did best. She had him all to herself. There were no distractions from his derelict friends and no interruptions from pets, kids and or anyone else that demanded his attention. It was why she loved these little jaunts. She had him to herself... all she ever wanted. His attention...
Gazing out the patio door staring at the lake, the early morning steam lifted off the cool waters. Tablerock was a beautiful place. It was their place. Leaning against the frame staring into the picturesque view, her heart was calm. It was the calmest it had been in years. She thought, "funny how you resume where you left off." Glancing over her shoulder, she watched him sleep. The familiar movements of his body. His arm over his head as he slept on his back... some things did not change.
She was not surprised at this moment... being here in this place was not a shock. Making mental notes, male or female when there is a part missing... the hole that sits in the deepest part of "self" it craves and misses. It is the most god awful sound that can not be dismissed or ignored. Its grief... and grief was what they would have to deal with.
The whys and wtf... were not gonna be pretty but it needed to come out if either one of them wanted to go on with their lives, it all needed to be said. She did not care how they got there all she cared about was what words would filter through his lying cheating mouth.
Slowly he started to stir. A slow moan of an ache and his usual comment " its pretty bad when you ache while getting up." Sarcasm screamed through her brain. Holding her tongue while she sipped her coffee.
Handing him a cup of coffee, he sheepishly laughed. She said nothing... and walked back to the patio glass. His hair a dirty blonde disheveled from the night before's activities, he sat up in bed leaning against the head- board. She looked over at him and with a smirk said, "You are a fucking mess." And like always his comment, "and you are so fucking perfect." She grinned that Cheshire smile...
Getting out of bed, he made his usual hand gesture, motioning her to turn around. She scoffed, "not like I haven't seen it before?" Slipping on a pair of jeans that laid on the floor... he smoothed down his hair while glancing in the mirror. "Wow," he exclaimed.
Randomly she made small talk... easing her way into what was about to be the explosion of the century. It was the conversation they needed to have. Regardless of any outcome... the good, the bad, the indifferent and the ugly. You don't spend those many long years with someone to have it end with no explanations. It was a cowards way and she was not going to let him have the last anything! He had made the biggest fool out of both of them. Those so called friends of his made sure she knew every detail of his life...
Not caring how he got away was not her concern. What went through her mind was what his friends had said about "that woman" he had hooked up with. That unsightly obese paycheck that tried to manipulate his life... that had descended in his house. That was how they referred to her, they never called her by name. Mother Theresa, she was not but she allowed his irrational behavior... and she tolerated his actions... and he dealt with her because he could benefit. It didn't say much about his character or his choice of escape... but men do stupid stupid things! The man talk conversations overheard about their travels usually continued in gut wrenching belly laughs, "Well one thing for sure, cargo space is much cheaper than first class!" It was cruel but then again what the hell did she expect. It always ended with "he had you... how in the fuck did he end up with that?" Not saying much, her reply was always the same... "there are no words to explain."
But here they were, for the umpteenth time, wanting to run her fingers through his hair to smooth down the flip that didn't want to be tamed... and that was it mostly, trying to domesticate someone that just was interested in someone else doing it all for him... it was a crazy trade-off.
He couldn't look her in the eyes. He made small comments about kids and work and offered useless information. Finally after an hour, she blurted out, " Oh for fucks sake spit it out. Quit being a fucking pussy just say it!" He couldn't talk. He had no words. That was his problem. He could lie til he was blue in the face as long as he could somehow benefit but he could not tell her what he really wanted to say. As if all his feelings were to be ashamed about... but allowing all his actions to be shameful.
She was not stupid. She had been with him all those years she heard loud and clear everything he ever said! "Why should I not have someone who works and takes care of the household. I then can take care of my business. My house is paid for... All my belonging are here. I have my garage... I want someone I can sit and drink with. I want that friendship. I want that camaraderie of bar fellowship. I work solo... it's nice to have that place to stop off. etc etc etc... He seemed to forget the things they did have in common!
The only part of all that she heard over the years was what could be done for him... Nowhere was it ever discussed what they could do together. What they could build together... it was always about him.
She wanted a partnership. Two people working towards the same thing... in her eyes, it was just stuff. She knew the financial convenience of having a house paid for but it was a house that was his and his children's. Her life was not meant to sit in a dive and or to wait for him to come home... she could not get him to see there was a life outside of that small circle of what he would claim to be his friends the ones that spoke so sourly about him. She too had a house... that she would have willing gave up so they could do it all together. Somewhere else! Something that they could have built on... He did have perfect. He had the whole fucking package and he threw it away for what?
Their moment of bliss turned into a conversation from hell... she was speaking for the both of them. His chance was now! And he said nothing...
And here it was the mechanics of stuff... he could not understand. None of that mattered... not one time did he or could he acknowledge any feeling. Yes, he had over the years said he loved her, on occasion he would tell her she looked beautiful. They were just words... she needed him to show her with his attention. His sober heart intent affections.
It was him that could not separate what they had over what things he did not have... beyond the coincidences that brought them together, the intimacy, the chemistry, all the good things that kept them together, he could not combine all the different entities... heartfelt attraction and the nitty gritty of the mechanics that keep a relationship going. He constantly looked for the trade off.
His lying and cheating spoke volumes about him and what he lacked... it had nothing to do with her. It once again was all about him and what he was needing from some crazy fix... it was insane. He saw nothing wrong with his actions or his behavior... while doing it but only when having to face it... he could say nothing.
"Oh well", "It is what it is" that was his response... or in some odd way, he would turn something around and make her feel like it was something she did... when she did nothing. Nothing at all except love him for the man he just was... when it was just the two of them when there were no distractions and she had his undivided attention. Why could he not see this?
By mid-afternoon, they were both exhausted. The sun shined in a direction they couldn't agree on. "Now what?" that usual impasse... loving someone with no boundary or inclination on how to form one. At this moment, there needed to be a footnote and a final word.
Life could not go on... with this much lingering in the back of both of their minds. She was not his high school love where he could just fuck her and walk out the bathroom door... never to look back.
Some connections ran very deep... and all sources flow where there is no restriction. Not everything needed to have outlet to be plugged in. Maybe it wasn't rocket science... but it was electric.
So it had seemed they had been here before.
Meet Me In St. Louis,
Kitryn Marie
