Who Are You To Judge?

Randomly as I sit here each and every Sunday morning (which I am trying to be consistent) contemplating what I will write about. I persistently hone in to keep up with my writing skills so that they stay in tune with everyday occurances and to help clear these messy mindful cobwebs of mine. All the while hoping to entertain my audience (Ha!) for a wider broader appeal.

The life of a writer... an artist... an entertainer, you memorize everything that happens to you. You replay and go over every bit of dialogue that you have had with whomever. Not wanting to divulge too much personal information but yet offering a little insight (reader interest) to make them think... I methodically rethink, if  it floats forefront in my mind, questioning and blatantly roaring, I want to ask, Who in the f..k are you to judge? I want to blurt with no intended niceties, "have you looked in the mirror?"

We each have a story and we each act the way we do because of it. Instead of people asking (accusing) "what's wrong with you?" maybe people should start asking "what happened to you?"

I can go for back as my mom, her dream to be a professional singer and her alternate life as a victim of domestic violence as I watched in horror as a young child or I can skip right to my last faltered relationship. I can re-enact all the dysfunction growing up wanting to run away anywhere but to where I was... to currently trying to write it all into a place of order. I can go back and think about the young girl that dreamed of love... to the woman that I am now who doesn't dream anymore about love because at this stage in life... love doesn't mean the same. I can rethink/replay every dream back to that very impressional young girl that I used to be that wanted fame and fortune and a life on stage... to this older stubborn, resilient, hard working,  striving woman who learned to write and tell stories ... now just trying to make a living so life can be enjoyed from another stage. It is six of one... half dozen the other. You pick!

Who are you to judge?

I started writing when I was in my early 30's. About the time, I decided to go back to school. Ending my 11-year marriage, I was searching for a meaning of a different kind. Coming from that generation caught between taking care of children and staying at home to women's equality and finding a career. Knowing I had had my head in a different direction my whole life I was torn... knowing I needed to do something of fulfillment and yet provide for small children. ( I have said it before... there are NO awards for being a single parent. You do what you have to do to survive!!!! Foolish is the person who looks to anyone for that accolade. You get no pat on the back... period, the end!)

Now, of course, the path that I have descended on this past decade has been a bit more difficult than going on and just finding a job but a job just doesn't do it. I have to be fulfilled. There is something in me that strives for something more. It is not a pride thing or an ego thing... nor does it have to do with me being better. It's this thing deep in my soul, my heart's intentions, my innate talent... there is this place that is embedded in me to be different than the average. There is no other way to describe it.

The problem, the difficulty, the quandary... at most is "common" (I do not mean to say that in a degrading way) people do not know this place and as I have managed to keep my head above water for less than dollars a day. I know this struggle is all going to be worth it... in the end. It will pay off... promise!

And who are you to judge?

In my last relationship, one of the factors that deterred our couple-ship was the fact I had nothing to financially contribute. Now do not get me wrong, I do work. I do make a small living but it was not what he was looking for to contribute to his household and or his lifestyle. While he had a business and it was ok for him to be an entrepreneur I was not allowed the same venture. I could not get it through his head... just as he set forth every day to be a "business-man" ( for lack of better words) I set forth a desire to become something else... I was told, "You have a hobby that is not work, you are not making any money." I could be proud of his accomplishments but yet because I had no monetarily value behind me, my thwarted talents went without merit and or validation of credit in his eyes.

Even my own child yesterday, the one who lives his dream says to me, " mom why would you turn down something?"

My dad repeatedly told me growing up, "You are a pipe dreamer, just like your mother." because he could not stand the fact that she had talent... and people clamor for talent! It is a struggle of a different kind but it comes with great rewards when it pays off.

I am not giving up... who are you to judge?

I can not explain it any more than how I know to write it... "A person knows what they need to do in order to survive, but to be fulfilled, have a purpose and have some kind of meaning while in this life is something that lives deep within." Not everyone is cut out for 9-5. Not everyone has it in them to just go do a job, get a paycheck and be miserable... I can not nor will I ...EVER.

So now ask me what's wrong with me? If you have paid attention, you can see what has happened to me... short of summoning and conjuring a ghost from the past, I am trying to live in the present and do what is best for me. It is not supposed to make sense to you but really, who are you to judge?

I keep trying. I keep putting that foot in front of the other... sometimes miserably and heartbreakingly stumbling but I am still forging looking for my purpose and trying to find that place to land. Yes, it makes me very angry when someone who doesn't know me at all wants to childishly call names and lash out towards me... not knowing what I have had to go through. Maybe that person needs to look in the mirror because the view is not so pretty at all!

Anybody can be common...average... that just is not who I am! The life of a writer... an artist... an entertainer, you memorize everything that happens to you. You replay and go over every bit of dialogue that you have had with whomever... with purpose and intent, I am moving forward diligently striving to be the best at my craft. Knowing many are called and few are chosen.


The funny thing about it all... go walk around a book store. Apparently... I am not the only one with this mind -set for fulfillment.

Meet Me in St. Louis,
Kitryn Marie