Signs of Life
In a recent conversation with my sister, she said, " It shouldn't be this hard." In regards to what our heart feels and what we have lost over a series of years. A running joke amongst us girls, "It's the Carmen Curse" I will tell, Carmen was our mother. Her pursuit of men and fame came with a very heavy price. It took her life. Like the poets all say, it was the thing she loved that killed her.
I laugh, shaking my head listening to the haunting words from my grandma... on love, life and reality. " Do not rock the boat. If you can avoid an argument do so. Love somebody who loves you more. It is just as easy to love a poor man than it is to love a rich man." These little wit-isms go on and on and on... Probably my favorite... "Kit, you don't love him you feel sorry for him." (that was her take on my grade school / high school love)
Looking for signs of life...
At almost 55, the pursuit of happiness has had its challenges. By now as I look around everyone else has been married 25+ years, and or has at least been in their 2, 3rd marriage. ( I have been married once and that was a very very long time ago) Careers and jobs have been long term or some switched gears in mid life to keep up with the changing times. Then there is the small handful of women that married well and his life pursuit is what has been carrying them.
I, not that lucky... if that is luck? I am so stubbornly independent with walls that I have had up for what I refer to as centuries. My expectations of life, love... happiness have nowhere even come close to what I have allowed in my life. And my career/ job choices have been just enough to survive. My choices with jobs and how I choose to make money has been related to my passions and what drives me creatively. My new running joke to myself, " the only thing at this time in my life to save me is going to be someone with really good insurance and a military pension." ( Like I said a joke) I am very well capable of having the aforementioned but at this stage in the game, it has proven more difficult by government standards. (that folks is a whole other novel) And love... what does love have to do with anything? I want real companionship. I want someone with depth. I want someone who knows how to feel and is not afraid to show it! I want someone who has NO need to run around on me and to just come home. Have the adventure with me... in the stable walls brought to this relationship at this time in life.
Looking for signs of life...
Now I could take this article into a whole other spin, which probably I will in regards to... "It just shouldn't be so hard." Where women by now have and still want security. Men want their egos met. Women want to know their life is stable, they are loved and secure and the four walls built around them are to protect them and keep them safe. Where men at this point in life want to know they are still needed. What they have done is appreciated. Where passion has died off they want to know they are desired in some fashion, Where the routine of getting up to go to work has become so boring and monotonous they long for adventure... the reason for marrying at the time has changed capacities and has switched into a different biological gear.
It is not rocket science to see why people cheat... the writings and the signs are all there. No myth... its life and there are proven facts.
Maybe I see things from another perspective because I am single and I did my absolute damnedest to keep a 7-year relationship together. It is my reference. It is what I have to go off of... That friend I needed him to keep me on that adventure just wasn't enough for him... his idea of stable came with an ugly and heavy disconcerting tradeoff.
This pursuit of happiness, life and love has sent me on a bizarre vision quest. One where I have to search for words because there is not enough meaning in them compared to what I want to feel or say. I have had to force myself to turn my heart off and stop feeling. ( Now if anyone knows me ... that is my whole mantra... I FEEL) I have methodically and with intelligent logic sought answers and directions and a new modus operandi. I have grabbed my camera and headed out solo to travel hoping some form of clarity would and will set in. I have shut myself off not interacting with anyone outside of going to that place a few days a week where I am needed. The hurt, devastation and dissolution accompanied with those 7-years has turned me into a different type woman I did not even know existed in me... Resilient does not even cover who I have become.
Looking for signs of life...
"It shouldn't be this hard" ... has come with a view, I never expected. My world and my words have collided and mixed with a force not to be reckoned with. Beyond a force field that I am having to difficulties taking down... I have found new ammunition to protect. There is a lesson to be learned in a lot of my words and although I hold no doctorate in philosophy. I hold a PHD in Life!
There are signs of life and unfortunately, it has been this hard. It is not a curse. It has had nothing to do with my mother ... she would not do that to her daughters. It is, though, this part in my life. Pursuing signs of a different life...I own it... it is mine and it is the choices I have made... it is just in me to love the way I do and it is bred in me how I passionately pursue all the things I creatively love.
I will be damned if I let it kill me.
Meet Me in St. Louis,
Kitryn Marie
I laugh, shaking my head listening to the haunting words from my grandma... on love, life and reality. " Do not rock the boat. If you can avoid an argument do so. Love somebody who loves you more. It is just as easy to love a poor man than it is to love a rich man." These little wit-isms go on and on and on... Probably my favorite... "Kit, you don't love him you feel sorry for him." (that was her take on my grade school / high school love)
Looking for signs of life...
At almost 55, the pursuit of happiness has had its challenges. By now as I look around everyone else has been married 25+ years, and or has at least been in their 2, 3rd marriage. ( I have been married once and that was a very very long time ago) Careers and jobs have been long term or some switched gears in mid life to keep up with the changing times. Then there is the small handful of women that married well and his life pursuit is what has been carrying them.
I, not that lucky... if that is luck? I am so stubbornly independent with walls that I have had up for what I refer to as centuries. My expectations of life, love... happiness have nowhere even come close to what I have allowed in my life. And my career/ job choices have been just enough to survive. My choices with jobs and how I choose to make money has been related to my passions and what drives me creatively. My new running joke to myself, " the only thing at this time in my life to save me is going to be someone with really good insurance and a military pension." ( Like I said a joke) I am very well capable of having the aforementioned but at this stage in the game, it has proven more difficult by government standards. (that folks is a whole other novel) And love... what does love have to do with anything? I want real companionship. I want someone with depth. I want someone who knows how to feel and is not afraid to show it! I want someone who has NO need to run around on me and to just come home. Have the adventure with me... in the stable walls brought to this relationship at this time in life.
Looking for signs of life...
Now I could take this article into a whole other spin, which probably I will in regards to... "It just shouldn't be so hard." Where women by now have and still want security. Men want their egos met. Women want to know their life is stable, they are loved and secure and the four walls built around them are to protect them and keep them safe. Where men at this point in life want to know they are still needed. What they have done is appreciated. Where passion has died off they want to know they are desired in some fashion, Where the routine of getting up to go to work has become so boring and monotonous they long for adventure... the reason for marrying at the time has changed capacities and has switched into a different biological gear.
It is not rocket science to see why people cheat... the writings and the signs are all there. No myth... its life and there are proven facts.
Maybe I see things from another perspective because I am single and I did my absolute damnedest to keep a 7-year relationship together. It is my reference. It is what I have to go off of... That friend I needed him to keep me on that adventure just wasn't enough for him... his idea of stable came with an ugly and heavy disconcerting tradeoff.
This pursuit of happiness, life and love has sent me on a bizarre vision quest. One where I have to search for words because there is not enough meaning in them compared to what I want to feel or say. I have had to force myself to turn my heart off and stop feeling. ( Now if anyone knows me ... that is my whole mantra... I FEEL) I have methodically and with intelligent logic sought answers and directions and a new modus operandi. I have grabbed my camera and headed out solo to travel hoping some form of clarity would and will set in. I have shut myself off not interacting with anyone outside of going to that place a few days a week where I am needed. The hurt, devastation and dissolution accompanied with those 7-years has turned me into a different type woman I did not even know existed in me... Resilient does not even cover who I have become.
Looking for signs of life...
"It shouldn't be this hard" ... has come with a view, I never expected. My world and my words have collided and mixed with a force not to be reckoned with. Beyond a force field that I am having to difficulties taking down... I have found new ammunition to protect. There is a lesson to be learned in a lot of my words and although I hold no doctorate in philosophy. I hold a PHD in Life!
There are signs of life and unfortunately, it has been this hard. It is not a curse. It has had nothing to do with my mother ... she would not do that to her daughters. It is, though, this part in my life. Pursuing signs of a different life...I own it... it is mine and it is the choices I have made... it is just in me to love the way I do and it is bred in me how I passionately pursue all the things I creatively love.
I will be damned if I let it kill me.
Meet Me in St. Louis,
Kitryn Marie
