It Ain't Over Til It's Over
It Ain't Over Til it's Over...
Where one situation ends another begins... Where one struggle ends another is created... Where there is life and or any sign of it... there is gonna be complications. Nothing is easy... but if your heart, soul and "health" is involved in it... " It ain't over til it's over." and some struggles worth the fight.
It is not easy living with a chronic illness. Each day is a different kind of struggle. It has been an enormous mental strain and an emotional upheaval of wits. Combine that with extreme heartbreak and a person would wonder why I even bother to get out of bed but I do, each and every day... maybe a little more mentally strong because I have to brace myself on how I am going to feel by mid morning, mid afternoon and mid evening. Oh, the struggle is real. Challenged by tiredness, I get up. I go and I pretend a lot. I force myself to find the energy to just go do!
A few years back while having a conflicted relationship, an enormous amount female issues and a constant draining fatigue, I was diagnosed with Chronic Lymphatic Leukemia. (Funny I have not publicly addressed it til now. Be told you have an illness and you go into some kind of denial. I have been told it is one of the lowest blood cancers a person can have. ) Being monitored routinely every 3-6 months with no treatment for now, it's a wait and watch situation with no cure "at this time". It has had more than its share of difficulties... physically, emotionally and mentally.
(The average range for those white cells are 7000-9000. Mine at this time are in the 28000 range. It can not double within a years time. If it does ... oh please pray it does not!)
Like it wasn't enough to know emotionally that the one person I had wanted to be with through this all had moved along without my knowledge, ghosting me when I needed him the most. Really no surprise... why another time while I had waited for him to take me to the hospital he found it not necessary to show up... which odds are that was the one that tipped the scales in regards to this current situation.
Chronic Lymphatic Leukemia alters the lymphatic system, the heart, liver and spleen. It mimics an autoimmune illness. The B-cell that is needed to fight off infection doubles in size. A protein that attacks the cell enlarges it pushing the good white cells to the side. It has been shown that the staff bacteria is/can be a culprit and it also has been said that chromosome 17 possibly is missing... all I know it's a crap shoot and each day I roll the dice oh how I am gonna feel.
The white cells are needed in a person to fight off infection and when the white cells are affected it throws everything into a tizzy. As simple as a little cold... the bodies natural defense does some odd dance of... "well now what? Do we let it linger? or do we just take her down?" Again I mentally prepare ... is this the one that will take me out? It is a panic of there is nothing I can do... It is heartfully sad and emotionally draining.
Over the last several years since being diagnosed, I have lost an extreme amount of weight. At the time, I went from 152lbs down to my current weight of 119lbs. My goal originally was to lose 20 lbs. Somewhere in the back of my head that voice of the other telling me, "I have never been with anyone as big as you." played over and over. The unsettling insecurity that lingered... and now here it was for health reasons, I found it imperative to completely change eating habits and to start running and get myself down to a svelte size. I had always wanted to be a runner. Running seemed to be my salvation. The nights I cried and cried and panic had set in gigantuate proportions I would just take off... like a bird in flight with no destination in mind. I had to find a place to put all the heartbreak and the emotional mental duress somewhere. It needed to go somewhere...
Slowly and I mean slowly (my head is still a work in progress) things that filtered through my mind started to find some sort of place, a person's thoughts will kill you if you let it... and I was trying not to let it.
Come to find out when a person runs, the heart pumps an extreme amount of oxygen through the cardio vascular system. There is where the red cells plump up fighting its way through the veins... keeping platelets and a whole other set of vital components effectively operating to keep one strong. It is what keeps the marrow in the bone healthy... where the white cells are not allowed to take over! (Then Houston we would have a problem) So while I was trying to clear my head I was actually stimulating my bodies other defense. What a way to survive... huh?
So for now, I have been told... keep running. Continue on this extreme health regimen... stay on the thin side. Being on this thin side, it is easier for the lymphatic system to function where there can not be additional stress on them. I will go back in June and I will go from there... I am told if I can continue at the pace I am at for the next 5 years in the event I need treatment, medicine is rapidly advancing... there possibly may be a cure.
Each day is a challenge. I get up. I go and I pretend a lot. I force myself to find the energy to just go do!
Where one situation ends another begins... Where one struggle ends another is created... Where there is life and or any sign of it... there is gonna be complications. Nothing is easy... but if your heart, soul and "health" is involved in it... " It ain't over til it's over." and some struggles worth the fight.
It Aint' Over Til It's Over
Meet Me In St. Louis,
Kitryn Marie
PS ... actually down to a size 5! I laugh at almost 55 a blessing and a curse... A size 5 go figure!
Where one situation ends another begins... Where one struggle ends another is created... Where there is life and or any sign of it... there is gonna be complications. Nothing is easy... but if your heart, soul and "health" is involved in it... " It ain't over til it's over." and some struggles worth the fight.
It is not easy living with a chronic illness. Each day is a different kind of struggle. It has been an enormous mental strain and an emotional upheaval of wits. Combine that with extreme heartbreak and a person would wonder why I even bother to get out of bed but I do, each and every day... maybe a little more mentally strong because I have to brace myself on how I am going to feel by mid morning, mid afternoon and mid evening. Oh, the struggle is real. Challenged by tiredness, I get up. I go and I pretend a lot. I force myself to find the energy to just go do!
A few years back while having a conflicted relationship, an enormous amount female issues and a constant draining fatigue, I was diagnosed with Chronic Lymphatic Leukemia. (Funny I have not publicly addressed it til now. Be told you have an illness and you go into some kind of denial. I have been told it is one of the lowest blood cancers a person can have. ) Being monitored routinely every 3-6 months with no treatment for now, it's a wait and watch situation with no cure "at this time". It has had more than its share of difficulties... physically, emotionally and mentally.
(The average range for those white cells are 7000-9000. Mine at this time are in the 28000 range. It can not double within a years time. If it does ... oh please pray it does not!)
Like it wasn't enough to know emotionally that the one person I had wanted to be with through this all had moved along without my knowledge, ghosting me when I needed him the most. Really no surprise... why another time while I had waited for him to take me to the hospital he found it not necessary to show up... which odds are that was the one that tipped the scales in regards to this current situation.
Chronic Lymphatic Leukemia alters the lymphatic system, the heart, liver and spleen. It mimics an autoimmune illness. The B-cell that is needed to fight off infection doubles in size. A protein that attacks the cell enlarges it pushing the good white cells to the side. It has been shown that the staff bacteria is/can be a culprit and it also has been said that chromosome 17 possibly is missing... all I know it's a crap shoot and each day I roll the dice oh how I am gonna feel.
The white cells are needed in a person to fight off infection and when the white cells are affected it throws everything into a tizzy. As simple as a little cold... the bodies natural defense does some odd dance of... "well now what? Do we let it linger? or do we just take her down?" Again I mentally prepare ... is this the one that will take me out? It is a panic of there is nothing I can do... It is heartfully sad and emotionally draining.
Over the last several years since being diagnosed, I have lost an extreme amount of weight. At the time, I went from 152lbs down to my current weight of 119lbs. My goal originally was to lose 20 lbs. Somewhere in the back of my head that voice of the other telling me, "I have never been with anyone as big as you." played over and over. The unsettling insecurity that lingered... and now here it was for health reasons, I found it imperative to completely change eating habits and to start running and get myself down to a svelte size. I had always wanted to be a runner. Running seemed to be my salvation. The nights I cried and cried and panic had set in gigantuate proportions I would just take off... like a bird in flight with no destination in mind. I had to find a place to put all the heartbreak and the emotional mental duress somewhere. It needed to go somewhere...
Slowly and I mean slowly (my head is still a work in progress) things that filtered through my mind started to find some sort of place, a person's thoughts will kill you if you let it... and I was trying not to let it.
Come to find out when a person runs, the heart pumps an extreme amount of oxygen through the cardio vascular system. There is where the red cells plump up fighting its way through the veins... keeping platelets and a whole other set of vital components effectively operating to keep one strong. It is what keeps the marrow in the bone healthy... where the white cells are not allowed to take over! (Then Houston we would have a problem) So while I was trying to clear my head I was actually stimulating my bodies other defense. What a way to survive... huh?
So for now, I have been told... keep running. Continue on this extreme health regimen... stay on the thin side. Being on this thin side, it is easier for the lymphatic system to function where there can not be additional stress on them. I will go back in June and I will go from there... I am told if I can continue at the pace I am at for the next 5 years in the event I need treatment, medicine is rapidly advancing... there possibly may be a cure.
Each day is a challenge. I get up. I go and I pretend a lot. I force myself to find the energy to just go do!
Where one situation ends another begins... Where one struggle ends another is created... Where there is life and or any sign of it... there is gonna be complications. Nothing is easy... but if your heart, soul and "health" is involved in it... " It ain't over til it's over." and some struggles worth the fight.
It Aint' Over Til It's Over
Meet Me In St. Louis,
Kitryn Marie
PS ... actually down to a size 5! I laugh at almost 55 a blessing and a curse... A size 5 go figure!
