Was It The Online Dating Profile... #Catfish
In the mix of satire, those in the online dating space should understand what catfishing looks like. It all sounds good on "computer" and the outdated photos to superficially grab someone's eye, but it is the real nitty gritty that it takes to get to know someone and reveal what's behind that mask... Facade.
I admit that only once, a very very long time ago, I tried the match . com thing... The whole scene was not for me! The desperate fools who are looking for women to heal all their baggage are so prevalent. The men who can't be alone writing dialogue to catch the current love of their life. Speaking in terms of needy and victimhood ... when in actuality, in real time, I cannot stand desperate or clingy, and the online space is full of those types!
The endeavor and outcome landed me an 8-year on-and-off relationship with someone who needed a financial crutch, a shoulder to cry and play poor poor me on along with his tireless efforts trying to secure a warm body in his house while he paraded up and down broadway displaying his man-whore side. Might I mention, the guy lived down the block, and I overpaid not only for the profile but to join a site that was completely intended to fool people. Some individuals use online dating as part of their M.O. They have no personality or no real communication skills so its easy to hide behind a screen and snag anyone who can be easily lured. It's the trolling while on the toilet, sneaking to see what the latest and newest profile will fall for the gimmicks. I mean, come on, how does someone meet someone 2 states over and convince them to move in with them? It's not likely that, on a whim, a leisurely drive into a small town called white squirrelville just happened where 2 people met. I laugh! The disasters that result from all the fake, phony and people trying to run away from their past.
Even with my character Hank, the book I am writing, When He Had Her..., this would have been an honest depiction of his profile:
HANK’S DATING PROFILE –
Username: SelfMade63 (but it’s her credit score I'll use)
Age: Too old to be catfishing (but my lies saying 48 because “people say I look young”)
Location: We will start at your place until I convince it's just easier at mine. Your dime after you sell off everything to be with me and in that warm spot in your wallet. I though will casually in a narsistic way will state, I live on emotionally unavailable lane and do expect you to move there too. Its just who I am!
Occupation: "Entrepreneur" (translation: Looking for investors who think love is a business model)
Height: 6’1 with work boots of course" (standing on red flags)
Body Type: Sloppily disheveled, athletic (beer curls), and slippery when gaslighting
About Me:
Just a humble man looking for a woman who can cook, clean, heal my childhood wounds, and bankroll my dreams while I post motivational quotes and flirt on Facebook Messenger. 🙏🏽 asking if you want to get naked?
I love long walks (away from accountability), deep conversations (about myself), and building empires (on someone else's dime).
I'm a philanthropist — mostly with other people’s time, energy, and boundaries.
Hobbies:
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Ghosting when you need me most
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Quoting scripture while texting my ex
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Starting projects I never finish (including relationships)
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Turning “we” into “me” and back again if I feel lonely
Looking For:
A high-value woman who doesn't realize she's the prize.
Must be emotionally stable so I don't have to be.
Bonus points if you have property, a steady job, and unresolved codependency.
Deal Breakers:
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Therapy (because I’m “not broken”)
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Boundaries (you’re too guarded)
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Women who can see through me (witches, basically)
Fun Fact: Once convinced a woman I was soulmates with her—then blamed her for not being patient while I "healed." 💫
Quote to Live By:
“If you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably healthy.” 😌
Where, sadly, that is funny, that is the type of individual my character is... Now, what will I use in the book? Hank mostly meets all his victims through online dating. It's the occasional same dive bar scene or some club he can hide out at (incognito. No one can know who he really is or what he has done.
Now the flip side to Hank's profile... it's a bit of charm that needs to hook, lin,e and sink ... the next
Username: MrGoodIntentions
Headline: Loyal. Old school. Just looking for something real.
About Me:
Hardworking man with a big heart—been through some things, but who hasn’t? I believe in second chances, keeping life simple, and taking care of the ones I love (even if I mess up sometimes). I run my own business, stay busy, and just want to find someone who gets me.
Not into drama or high-maintenance types. I like a woman who’s supportive, grounded, and doesn’t need the spotlight to feel seen. If you’re looking for a man who can fix things around the house and knows how to keep things exciting... you might’ve just found him.
Looking For:
A good woman who stands on beliefs and understands that relationships take work. Someone who won’t judge a man for his past, and doesn’t mind letting him take the lead. Bonus points if you can cook, love kids, and aren’t glued to your phone and is willing to block people I feel are a threat to our relationship. I feel our relationship should be private. I see no reason for all that social media sharing photos of our happy life! Loyalty matters. So does forgiveness.
Fun Facts:
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I’m not on here for games, so don’t waste my time if you’re not serious. Understanding you can't help who you fall in love with but I also know there is my one in a million
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Family is everything to me—especially my kids.
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I don’t do social media drama.
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I’ve been told I’m intense... but always real. My humor in conversations is to avoid conflict. Once you have fallen in love with me, you will get it!
Hank picked her up in his truck. It wasn’t anything flashy—a burnout Chevy with a few dings, kids' sports things thrown in the back seat, a practical ride—showing no personality, a lot like him. He was dressed casually—tennis shoes, jeans, and a slightly wrinkled polo. He looked... approachable, in that unpolished, “I’m not trying too hard” kind of way. But Kate noticed he’d put effort into looking presentable. She smiled to herself. At least he didn’t look like he rolled out of bed or the truck reeking of beer.
She stepped into the truck, sliding into the passenger seat with the familiar scent of leather and the faint hint of his cologne. She, on the other hand, was effortlessly polished. A fitted leather jacket, simple jeans, low flats—nothing too fancy, but everything looked right. Perfectly “Kate.”
They made their way to the restaurant—David and Shelly, his friends, joined them for the evening. The place had a weird vibe—part sports bar, part retro Italian. It wasn’t a bad combination, just... odd. The dining room was tucked behind the bar area, and the walls were painted a sportsman-park green, which made it feel more like a 1970s Italian restaurant than a place to watch the game. White tablecloths, low lighting, the scent of marinara sauce in the air.
Kate smiled at the décor’s vintage charm as they slid into the booth. David and Shelly were already there, talking excitedly about everything and nothing. Hank nodded politely but didn’t say much. It was easy to feel the weight of the silence between them—like they were still trying to figure out who they were together.
The conversation flowed easily. David and Shelly were funny, engaging, and lighthearted—Kate felt at ease with them. But Hank... Hank was quieter than usual. Maybe it was nerves, maybe it was the presence of his friends, or maybe something else. He didn’t speak much, but when he did, his comments were dry, sometimes bordering on sarcastic, as if he was trying too hard to fit in.
Then, the waitress arrived. She was young and flirty, and she lingered a beat too long at their table. She placed Hank’s beer in front of him, her fingers brushing his shoulder. “You know,” she said, flashing a grin, “you look like Kevin Costner.”
Hank laughed, almost sheepishly, looking over at Kate. “Well, I’m not quite sure about that,” he said, glancing at Kate with a strange mixture of amusement and uncertainty.
Kate couldn’t help herself. Her oldest had said it before she went out the door, and she found herself echoing it now. “More like Bill Paxton,” she teased, her smile genuine, trying to lighten the mood. The table burst into laughter, the tension finally lifting.
The food came—classic Italian. Chicken parmesan for him, pizza and salad for her. It was a typical first-date dinner, with casual conversation and safe topics. But even though the meal was fine, the atmosphere was... guarded. They both spoke about work, about family, about small talk that didn’t quite fill the air. Hank kept looking at her like he was trying to figure out something—maybe what he was supposed to say, or how he was supposed to act.
When dinner wrapped up, they decided on a spontaneous detour to the race track. It wasn’t planned, but it felt right. The fresh air outside was cool, but not cold, and the evening carried a promise of something more. A bit of excitement. Something they both needed.
They spent the night placing small bets on the horses—nothing serious, just enough to make it fun. Hank seemed more relaxed here, talking louder, laughing more. Kate could feel the difference, like this was his element—he was in his comfort zone now, letting his guard down. A few beers in, his smile was less guarded, his laugh more genuine. The energy between them shifted in subtle ways.
The sun set behind the track, casting a warm, golden glow over everything. It felt like the perfect ending to a perfect evening, as though the whole world was rooting for them.
“You okay?” Kate asked, noticing Hank was quiet again, staring at the horizon. His profile was softened by the fading sunlight.
“Yeah,” he murmured. “Just... haven’t had a night like this in a while.”
Kate nodded, understanding more than he realized. “I get it.”
They stood side by side, watching the last race, feeling the breeze wash over them. The sky was streaked with orange and pink. For the first time in a long time, Kate felt something stir inside her—a quiet flicker, something long forgotten. Maybe it was hope. Or maybe it was just the magic of a moment in time.
Maybe he was the one.
But as she stood there, watching the sun disappear, she couldn’t shake the feeling that something was missing. There were too many things left unsaid. The unspoken truths about Hank’s past—the kids, the baggage, the things he never fully acknowledged—lingered just beneath the surface.
Still, her heart tugged, just a little.
Maybe he was the one.
But she couldn’t ignore the little voice in her head—the one that had learned to be cautious.
And this is how books are written!
And for the rest, rethink that online dating thing! Its terrible to be catfished and made to believe things that are not true, given a sob story to play on heart strings... just for the sake of securing anyone just not to be alone! Regret is a horrible thing to live with!
Stay Tuned!
Kitryn Marie
#writer #spoof #sattire #damnfool
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