The Road is Long...
And what doesn't kill you along the way, drops you to your knees and sucks the very breath out of you!
Often times, I have gasped for air hoping at some point I will finally be able to breathe with ease. Catching my breath while hyperventilating is not an easy feat. It is only when I have fallen to the floor and I have cried hysterically because I could not figure anything out, exhausting every single emotion, to only find it was time to stand again and just go do anything.
Resilience is a remarkable trait. It's the one thing I have in common with a rubber band. I keep trying to bounce back a little stronger...stretching myself as far as I can to find direction, purpose and meaning... and a whole other road to travel.
I realized I had ... had enough when I took my last road trip. It finally all came together... I was grieving the loss of many years with someone I had put my life stock in. In the years after his disappearance, I desperately was trying to regain my health and sanity, I wanted no one around me. It was hard to explain what no one could understand. It was a devastating life-altering ending...
For the last several years, as my heart was literally crumbling, my weight diminished and my demeanor declined, I would get in my car and just drive. I would go as far as I could (for the day) with the intention of running away and never coming back. The radio blasting tuning out my thoughts and trying to find some peace of mind. (There is no peace of mind when you are having anxiety attacks. Your mind races at a pace speeding in several directions as if you are headed towards a moving train) Although there was a certain clarity to be found when I drove.
The open road... has a way of opening the pandora box of the mind. Everything I was desperately wanting to forget smacked me in the face like a bug on the windshield. Every trip we ever took flooded my memory... it was just what we did. It was what saved who we were... and I wondered with great sorrow and sadness how he too had not missed that? There were some things, memories and moments that could not be replaced with another.
It was those trips where it was him and I and no one else. Where for a few short days at a time... it was just us. Where we traveled, talked, laughed, made love and were happy. It was in those short days at a time when I hoped he would see the big picture and it was not about money, or his business or who needed to move into his house...because it was just easier for him... but how we were gonna pull it all together, find what was best for US and figure it out. I always knew it was not going to be moonlight and roses. It couldn't be and it was a given we were not gonna live on Candy Cane Lane but it was that open road through the rest of our lives that I was ready to travel on.
It was during all of my little jaunts, I realized there was going to be things I would never be able to share with him again. He flattened that tire when he mysteriously disappeared without cause... merit or any justification. (When there is no explanation for action, it is hard to see it any other way)
It was now going to be the road less traveled and I would be doing it solo. I would be taking in all the sights and reclaiming a new road alone. I had to find a new strength and a new determination and a new drive ... for life in a complete different direction.
Honestly, while I was gone on this last trip, I seriously contemplated coming back and just packing it all up and for once and for all giving it all up... to move far away never to be reminded of this long road I had traveled with this man.
But what didn't kill me along the way, dropped me to my knees and sucked the very breath out of me! It made me realize there is another road with another journey ahead ... and possibly with someone else... around that next bend.
Meet Me In St. Louis,
Kitryn Marie
Often times, I have gasped for air hoping at some point I will finally be able to breathe with ease. Catching my breath while hyperventilating is not an easy feat. It is only when I have fallen to the floor and I have cried hysterically because I could not figure anything out, exhausting every single emotion, to only find it was time to stand again and just go do anything.
Resilience is a remarkable trait. It's the one thing I have in common with a rubber band. I keep trying to bounce back a little stronger...stretching myself as far as I can to find direction, purpose and meaning... and a whole other road to travel.
I realized I had ... had enough when I took my last road trip. It finally all came together... I was grieving the loss of many years with someone I had put my life stock in. In the years after his disappearance, I desperately was trying to regain my health and sanity, I wanted no one around me. It was hard to explain what no one could understand. It was a devastating life-altering ending...
For the last several years, as my heart was literally crumbling, my weight diminished and my demeanor declined, I would get in my car and just drive. I would go as far as I could (for the day) with the intention of running away and never coming back. The radio blasting tuning out my thoughts and trying to find some peace of mind. (There is no peace of mind when you are having anxiety attacks. Your mind races at a pace speeding in several directions as if you are headed towards a moving train) Although there was a certain clarity to be found when I drove.
The open road... has a way of opening the pandora box of the mind. Everything I was desperately wanting to forget smacked me in the face like a bug on the windshield. Every trip we ever took flooded my memory... it was just what we did. It was what saved who we were... and I wondered with great sorrow and sadness how he too had not missed that? There were some things, memories and moments that could not be replaced with another.
It was those trips where it was him and I and no one else. Where for a few short days at a time... it was just us. Where we traveled, talked, laughed, made love and were happy. It was in those short days at a time when I hoped he would see the big picture and it was not about money, or his business or who needed to move into his house...because it was just easier for him... but how we were gonna pull it all together, find what was best for US and figure it out. I always knew it was not going to be moonlight and roses. It couldn't be and it was a given we were not gonna live on Candy Cane Lane but it was that open road through the rest of our lives that I was ready to travel on.
It was during all of my little jaunts, I realized there was going to be things I would never be able to share with him again. He flattened that tire when he mysteriously disappeared without cause... merit or any justification. (When there is no explanation for action, it is hard to see it any other way)
It was now going to be the road less traveled and I would be doing it solo. I would be taking in all the sights and reclaiming a new road alone. I had to find a new strength and a new determination and a new drive ... for life in a complete different direction.
Honestly, while I was gone on this last trip, I seriously contemplated coming back and just packing it all up and for once and for all giving it all up... to move far away never to be reminded of this long road I had traveled with this man.
But what didn't kill me along the way, dropped me to my knees and sucked the very breath out of me! It made me realize there is another road with another journey ahead ... and possibly with someone else... around that next bend.
Meet Me In St. Louis,
Kitryn Marie
