-A Writers_ Mind: The Thoughts and Actions From A Few Characters

Sometimes it's just easier to write as if I am writing a chapter in one of my books... to jump in the mind of one these fictional people that have taken on  real life persona's. The imagination does funny things when you want certain conversations to take place in real life. As creative as I can be... this mind constantly strives for the right verbage hoping at some point in this life, I...  get to say all the things that need to be said: but for now... in story form it would go something like this...

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You would have thought by now seeing him would have been easy but it wasn't. The rage that filled her body and the sadness that riddled her heart was uncontrollable. She hoped he had a horrible sensation of panic when he sighted her. Thinking, "my god I can not believe what I did to her. I don't blame her for hating me."

Not understanding any of his actions or why he did what he did was unbearable. The amount of anxiety he caused her. The mental anguish and the heart crushing devastation from his behavior... it was thoughtless, disrespectful, brutal emotional abuse not to mention the physical abuse that she often encountered during one of his rages. There was no forgiveness for a cheat and an abusive man.

She mulled over all the moments... the good and the bad. There were plenty of good moments. There had to be... she loved him. He was the love of her life... it made no sense. She constantly asked herself ,"Over what?" because she chose not to sit in some dive with him or the fact she had no great career to support his habits or his business or was it because of children, his children, who she loved and tried her best to bring into her fold that had absolutely no respect for her. What was it? Why?? It could not have been the sex... they had an intimacy that neither had ever experienced. It made no sense no sense at all. Why all the other women? What was the reason...

Here one day and gone the next... that is how it ended. No good-bye. No, you are crazy. No, I don't love you any longer... just gone! A relationship she fought for, gave her life for, believed in and took him back time after time... after time... Oh my f..k.ng god what a fool she had made of herself. She feverishly thought, "How do you love someone that much and put up with all the crap that is handed to you on a f..k.ng platter?" A platter of bull shit lies. A platter she washed and delicately dealt with. A platter she kept polished for all to see that she cherished out of blind stupidity because she believed it would get better. He would be better. He would find a way to make it all work ... but it never did. It got worse and it made her sick.

Yes, she hoped a horrible range of panic had set in...that every memory of her flashed before his eyes in vivid color. Reliving every moment they did right! and she hoped, no she prayed that the beast that he replaced her with made his life a living hell... a drunken, over weight, Mon-Fri. paycheck beast that laid in his bed every night sickened him with regret...

Where was the resolve? She was never ever going to be the same... there was a chunk of her obliterated and she could not piece meal herself back together no matter how hard she tried. There was a hole... a deep abyss of insanity she could not quiet. The anxiety that kept her awake at night... and kept her from leaving her house for that fear... that she would see him.

No matter what she felt or what she was trying to deny... after all this time she was not the same and no matter how it devastatingly still hurt there had to be life elsewhere. There had to be a place to put all of this to move forward and go on like he did not count or exist in this life. He had already taken up too many years of her life.

Every day was a challenge. Get up, drink coffee, don't think, take a shower, put your make-up on, fix your hair... look in the mirror pretend you are ok! force yourself to be ok!, put your anxiety in check, take a pill if you have too... eat.. my god eat! When did she last eat? Where was her mind? ... enough was enough it was time to say good bye to who she was and now who she had become a much thinner version of a woman she once knew well.

Trust had always been an issue...   and now whoever she would choose to let get remotely close to her was going to have to linger in his sins and whoever she would ALLOW  he was gonna have to be a big enough of a man to understand where it all came from...

It no longer was going to be about him. It was going to be about her and what she was going to have to do to leave it behind... far behind in another lifetime that some would refer to as ancient history. A history past... that never ever was going to be repeated.
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Yes the story line would go something like that...

If you can put it behind and no longer dwell... there is a life yet to be discovered. Well, at least I hope.

Meet Me In St. Louis,
Kitryn Marie




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