How we became and can unbecome what we thought to be true

 Psychology has many facets of life; the intricate weaves of birth order, generational curses, and how being product of environments plays out throughout all of our lives. As the oldest of 2 but the oldest out of 5 cousins that lived in close proximity, I took a separate path. I have always been more of an observer. In a house full of chaos, separating myself from some of the madness, all of my inquiries, information or general thoughts where I have sought some solution has always come in the silence. As the oldest, the one who had the most expectations from the elders, it was impeded that my path be separate to lead. The only problem was once I realized I was not like them... I tried with every ounce of stubbornness to separate from the herd. I never wanted to belong but there I was stuck in the middle of loud, crazy and heritage commotion. Generational curses...

The first 5 years of a child's life imprints the next 15 years of things to come. Influence and who makes the most impact, discovering interest, and where a child feels most secure. Now, this is with any child! Although it was drilled in my head to be responsible! Learn to take care of yourself! Do not depend on anyone... but the flip side to that was; marry someone who loves you more than you love them! (SMH) I never could figure that one out. I live my life with passions. If there is no passion in triplicate emotionally, mentally and physically why bother? Comfort in a companion or a need for another body... I struggle. I am quite content within my own skin. I like my own company. It's safe. I have no need to prove to anyone at this point in life I am enough...I am enough, all on my own.

In these years of quiet and comfort, I have found my intuition has grown stronger. The things I just know and all of the things that have come to be in the silence. Once Spirit speaks... I listen and then do research where I can to back up the things I have been let in on. I trust those nudges and then I get to decipher how they will help me in my life.

Studying birth order and how it affects other siblings is really interesting. Only children are another ball of wax. Where everyone dotes constantly on that child. They grow up with a sense of entitlement. They expect to be the life of the party and if they can not get the attention they feel they need, they will go out and create... a bunch of nonsense to just get the attention. They are selfish and take on this me me me... attitude. Often whoever is paying attention to them it is not enough and many times throughout life they have secret lives and sideline partners. They crave the "mom" attention. Especially when there have been 2 parents that gave gave gave but a father was absent due to... and isolated. Here is the catch. Why the isolation?

I was very fortunate that I was able to have many conversations with a parent of an only child. The things I learned. A releasing of truths... and things she would carry to her grave. Secrets she knew her husband had. Generational curses... father like son. She let out in a passing conversation, he (her husband) had another... meaning another woman. A sign of the times when women stayed at home, tending to children, he did not want her out. It was easy to keep her isolated and for her to never know his secret life and the other child. Lies and secrets and the distortion on how that only child grew up. In conversations, she often would say, "a woman loves but a woman gets tired of carrying the burden.  A man with a heavy heart and a hardened hand is not easy to be married to. This was my life and when it came down to the end, I was relieved it was over. The pressure was often too much and my focus was my child. He was what I had and that was my sole mission." This woman took comfort in our conversations. Simple laughter a genuine friendship. 

Often generational curses are passed down. It's something in the DNA the make-up of chemistry. It's the projection of a self-feeling and how it plays out with another. It is all the things we become so familiar with and how we choose... ALL THE THINGS in our life. Projection of parental guidelines if not recognized distorts our adult views of perception.

Let us talk about sisters and the closeness, the bond but the differences of personalities. The oldest always the caregiver. The responsible one... the one that swoops in a picks up the messes of the others. The mothers' helper especially if one of the siblings is disabled. That sister is used to just taking on the care of the others. Sadly in that, there is always one sister that gets left out... not enough attention. Maybe the cutest out of let's say, 4... and she is always creating some catastrophe looking for unmerited attention. The wrong path, the wrong guy, a life of good times, and a child she continually neglects and has no clue to be responsible for. (because someone always comes to her rescue) An onslaught of moving, no attachments but always needing someone to clean up her messes. Who comes to that rescue but the sister who has always stepped in... a hidden promise to her mother. Her badge of honor but tired because her own somehow always gets neglected. Happily but reluctantly she pushes that burden onto another! Product of environments!

I can say between my sister and myself we might as well be only children. We were raised completely differently but then again DNA and chemistry are totally different. Every family has a secret and although we can laugh about it... it has shaped our own independence. My sister 3 years younger, loves to be in a relationship. She finds solace in being connected and she can easily mesh into another's way of life. I did not get that gene! LOL!!! My sister who is very religious... I am very spiritual. She lives on bible passages and I live on intuition and the knowledge of knowing our lives are predestined with alternate routes to how we get anywhere. We all are carried by the divine and how we use the knowledge we obtain furthers our existence into this life. Many are not aware of how this works. My grandma who raised us taught us to blindly lead by the heart and make the sign of the cross whenever in conflict. She also knew how our lives would take different paths but constantly reiterated "one day it will only be you 2 left." While my sister has settled into the corporate world, I have settled into life lessons. I love learning and taking classes and studying then applying what I have learned and what divine has graciously allowed me to know.

I could go on and on about birth order... how the first, middle and the baby each play a role. The connectedness of siblings when a parent is absent and the abandonment issues they each will face as they grow and have children of their own. Sisters who do not look like each other, barely act like each other needing to understand the why's and all the backstories behind what a product of environment truly looks like. The oldest left to care for children ... parents and the codependency of a wife on to her husband who is just not there or can not emotionally attach but will provide provide provide without ever being present in that childs/childrens lives... Generational curses and the secrets behind them all.

At one point in all of our lives, we get to look back and try to puzzle piece the important moments that shaped our life. How we became and we can unbecome what we thought to be true! The unraveling of all the lies. I did not study all this nor was I given this information not to teach!!!! the lessons.

It's a terrible thing to have to one day wake up and realize your whole life has been a lie! The steps and the paths you took ... were nothing more than a generational curse and you being a product of your environment made all of your choices on what you thought was to be true.

I am thankful for my studies, my lessons, the conversations had... and for spirit who constantly chatters in my ear all the things I am to know!

I will keep being me! I will continue to share... it's up to you to decide your truths and why you have done all the things. Birth order is a powerful tool and the order to which you were born says very much about your character!

Be Happy Be Blessed,

Kitryn Marie






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