Setting the Boundary For Respect and ALL Healthy Relationships
My women coaching mantras:
A guy: "Can you come out and play?"
ME: Uh No, I am not available! I have responsibilities and obligations! ( or flat out, I am not available) I can not at the spur of the moment stop and drop to accommodate your "option" lifestyle. (while you are keeping the possibilities open for something better to come along) If you want my time, plan something concrete with me! This my dear people is how you set up boundaries. You are setting the guidelines to what will work in your life. It is a foundation for respect to be built up! I think this is why we all live by a calendar! It's called social scheduling!
Too many women will fall hook line and sinker for the guy that will leave her hanging... she will wait around putting her life on hold while he is out looking for other options (the better offer) something that suits his availability Or he is already doing his thing with no regard for anyone else's time. (He is set and rigid in the way he has done things his whole life) He thinks well when I can fit her in, I will. He is so set in his immature ways, very self-centered, thinking well, if she wants to be with me this is how it's going to be! Narcissist behavior!
In my 57 years, I have seen it all! A highly intuitive person, an intelligent person, sees through the "gameplay" and either sets a new standard for rules or they just stop playing! A woman needs to realize she is a choice, THE ONLY CHOICE! not an option! It is about understanding her worth and coming to a realization; in any relationship, romantic or otherwise, IT is a 2-way street. It's about finding a common ground that works for both. No one should be made to feel the pressure of "well if you want to do something and be with me, this is all you get! so stop and drop your plans right now so we can go!" (Sorry... not so sorry! F..k You! My time is valuable!) There must be common courtesy for the OTHER person involved!
This rule also applies to anyone that hides behind their kids. Always putting them first not out of parental obligation but as a defense not to be available to anyone else so they do not have to attach, bond or connect with another. It is a co-dependent relationship that they have built so they are never alone. Although most of the intent is pure, it is the subconscious motive for never really being emotionally available to anyone else. If they can say "My kids need me they have an escape... an out for not being on hand and readily available for anyone else. They too are setting up enabling factors for the child/ren never allowing that child to grow and figure out life on their own! It is some parental guilt that has been learned waaaay back when they were growing up. Something that was missing in their life now on steroids and goes on overload and becomes overbearing. The parent gets that sense of satisfaction almost a hidden ego trip "well he/she/they need me" When in fact a healthy parent-child relationship... the kid would not want the parent around all the time! They should have healthy flourishing lives of their own! Really think back? When did you stop wanting your folks around!???
I am saying this with GREAT trepidation! ( with sincere empathy) And for the sake of addiction and other mal-intent issues. A parent cannot be there 24/7 no matter how bad they feel that child needs their attention. We have a whole society right now of young adults that are afflicted with a variety of substance abuse problems. There are professionals out there. There are Anti-alcohol and drug associations and even al-anon with books upon books readily available to help not only that child/ren but the parent. It is the parent's responsibility to become aware of the root of the cause, the epidemic and take in his/her own connotations to his/her part in the situation. Addictions are an illness. It is also a passed down by a heredity gene. If there has been alcoholism and drug addiction in the family history, sadly you can bet every other if not every child one way or another will also be affected! ( I say this from years of growing up in an alcoholic environment. Going to many of Al-anon meetings and studying a variety of sociology classes.) A parents best defense is tough love and a good treatment center. The heart-wrenching decision to turn it over to a professional and to rebuild trust over time with the afflicted... is letting go and allowing God to step in! A person (regardless of age) has to want the help and to be sober on their own. You can not save someone who does not see an issue with his/her actions and behavior.
Setting boundaries and setting up guidelines so people are not railroaded into doing something they do not want to do. It is unhealthy! I have worked very hard to establish what I have. My work and the people I choose to associate with; if it disturbs my peace, the situation then is not conducive to my lifestyle: therefore it is not welcome into my world. I understand we all have obligations and other outside responsibilities but if common courtesy and considerations are not put into play when entering into my WORLD whether it be professional or social then there is no room for you in it.
I spent 8 years with a man that put everything else including his own alcohol addictions before me. I never came first. My feelings (or my children) never once came into play. "We" as a couple never came first! He used his children as his emotional shield. One foot out always a way to escape from a situation. His idea of a good time was sitting on a bar stool amongst the afflicted so he could feel superior. If his parental role was so important he would have never of left his children to fend for themselves while he sat drinking and whoring around,. leaving me on a string waiting to see when the time would be convenient for him to show up. Then when he did, If he was not drunk, he was mad... and if he was not angry he was frustrated about his kids, his work or his finances and instead of focusing his attention on the necessities of having a family life; he disassociated all emotional attachments and he allowed alcohol to take over all his choices!(then throw in that cocaine that he thought no one would find out about!) There were no boundaries and him never taking responsibility for his actions and behavior it obliterated the 8 year relationship!
When in a romantic relationship: Healthy couples who have set boundaries understand that all decisions are to be made as a couple. Decisions are to be made as the "parental units" seeing what is best for the child/ren at hand. Whether they are biological children or step... it is what works best for the whole unit. Not just for the one that has an addictive lifestyle...
Sadly then when there is a child with the addiction the parent that turns the blind eye, typically it is because they refuse to acknowledge their part in the situation. They refuse to take "blame" for lack of better words that they may have had some big role in the situation. Denial is a harsh entity that has a horrible backlash. It is followed with unconsolable guilt! People then stuff all those feeling away pretending they do not exist... further causing more damage to all parties involved!
So as I close out this commentary on boundaries and setting up healthy guidelines for all RESPECTABLE relationships. If a person has true intent to want to spend time with another. They will set aside a concrete time to be with someone. There will be no other options and OTHER choices... there will be just that one person that will on purpose clear the slate to spend time with... it is called setting a date! Not all dates are romantic... FURTHERMORE, if you are still using the phrase " lets hang-out" grow up! You are not 12-16-24 years of age any longer! You are an adult... please with respect act like it!
Meet Me In St. Louis
Kitryn Marie
A guy: "Can you come out and play?"
ME: Uh No, I am not available! I have responsibilities and obligations! ( or flat out, I am not available) I can not at the spur of the moment stop and drop to accommodate your "option" lifestyle. (while you are keeping the possibilities open for something better to come along) If you want my time, plan something concrete with me! This my dear people is how you set up boundaries. You are setting the guidelines to what will work in your life. It is a foundation for respect to be built up! I think this is why we all live by a calendar! It's called social scheduling!
Too many women will fall hook line and sinker for the guy that will leave her hanging... she will wait around putting her life on hold while he is out looking for other options (the better offer) something that suits his availability Or he is already doing his thing with no regard for anyone else's time. (He is set and rigid in the way he has done things his whole life) He thinks well when I can fit her in, I will. He is so set in his immature ways, very self-centered, thinking well, if she wants to be with me this is how it's going to be! Narcissist behavior!
In my 57 years, I have seen it all! A highly intuitive person, an intelligent person, sees through the "gameplay" and either sets a new standard for rules or they just stop playing! A woman needs to realize she is a choice, THE ONLY CHOICE! not an option! It is about understanding her worth and coming to a realization; in any relationship, romantic or otherwise, IT is a 2-way street. It's about finding a common ground that works for both. No one should be made to feel the pressure of "well if you want to do something and be with me, this is all you get! so stop and drop your plans right now so we can go!" (Sorry... not so sorry! F..k You! My time is valuable!) There must be common courtesy for the OTHER person involved!
This rule also applies to anyone that hides behind their kids. Always putting them first not out of parental obligation but as a defense not to be available to anyone else so they do not have to attach, bond or connect with another. It is a co-dependent relationship that they have built so they are never alone. Although most of the intent is pure, it is the subconscious motive for never really being emotionally available to anyone else. If they can say "My kids need me they have an escape... an out for not being on hand and readily available for anyone else. They too are setting up enabling factors for the child/ren never allowing that child to grow and figure out life on their own! It is some parental guilt that has been learned waaaay back when they were growing up. Something that was missing in their life now on steroids and goes on overload and becomes overbearing. The parent gets that sense of satisfaction almost a hidden ego trip "well he/she/they need me" When in fact a healthy parent-child relationship... the kid would not want the parent around all the time! They should have healthy flourishing lives of their own! Really think back? When did you stop wanting your folks around!???
I am saying this with GREAT trepidation! ( with sincere empathy) And for the sake of addiction and other mal-intent issues. A parent cannot be there 24/7 no matter how bad they feel that child needs their attention. We have a whole society right now of young adults that are afflicted with a variety of substance abuse problems. There are professionals out there. There are Anti-alcohol and drug associations and even al-anon with books upon books readily available to help not only that child/ren but the parent. It is the parent's responsibility to become aware of the root of the cause, the epidemic and take in his/her own connotations to his/her part in the situation. Addictions are an illness. It is also a passed down by a heredity gene. If there has been alcoholism and drug addiction in the family history, sadly you can bet every other if not every child one way or another will also be affected! ( I say this from years of growing up in an alcoholic environment. Going to many of Al-anon meetings and studying a variety of sociology classes.) A parents best defense is tough love and a good treatment center. The heart-wrenching decision to turn it over to a professional and to rebuild trust over time with the afflicted... is letting go and allowing God to step in! A person (regardless of age) has to want the help and to be sober on their own. You can not save someone who does not see an issue with his/her actions and behavior.
********************************
Setting boundaries and setting up guidelines so people are not railroaded into doing something they do not want to do. It is unhealthy! I have worked very hard to establish what I have. My work and the people I choose to associate with; if it disturbs my peace, the situation then is not conducive to my lifestyle: therefore it is not welcome into my world. I understand we all have obligations and other outside responsibilities but if common courtesy and considerations are not put into play when entering into my WORLD whether it be professional or social then there is no room for you in it.
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*********************************
When in a romantic relationship: Healthy couples who have set boundaries understand that all decisions are to be made as a couple. Decisions are to be made as the "parental units" seeing what is best for the child/ren at hand. Whether they are biological children or step... it is what works best for the whole unit. Not just for the one that has an addictive lifestyle...
Sadly then when there is a child with the addiction the parent that turns the blind eye, typically it is because they refuse to acknowledge their part in the situation. They refuse to take "blame" for lack of better words that they may have had some big role in the situation. Denial is a harsh entity that has a horrible backlash. It is followed with unconsolable guilt! People then stuff all those feeling away pretending they do not exist... further causing more damage to all parties involved!
So as I close out this commentary on boundaries and setting up healthy guidelines for all RESPECTABLE relationships. If a person has true intent to want to spend time with another. They will set aside a concrete time to be with someone. There will be no other options and OTHER choices... there will be just that one person that will on purpose clear the slate to spend time with... it is called setting a date! Not all dates are romantic... FURTHERMORE, if you are still using the phrase " lets hang-out" grow up! You are not 12-16-24 years of age any longer! You are an adult... please with respect act like it!
People who want to be in your life will make the time, no ifs, ands, or buts... There will be no excuses! They will set the time and make the plan and they will show up on time!
Because they can not wait to see you!
Meet Me In St. Louis
Kitryn Marie
Calling all CREATIVE-MINDED women: I have availability in my coaching sessions.
Business coaching or Personal Mentoring.
Private or group in person St. Louis Mo, 2 hours $65.00
Online 1 hour via FB chat or Duo 35.00
and now offering 2 questions via email (2 week turn around) 15.00 kitrynmarie@gmail.com
All payment must be received thru paypal.me/kitrynmarie leave all your contact info.
Once I receive confirmation of payment I will set up a time and location.
(Please note I offer NO FREE service of any kind)
If you would like to learn more about me and my other classes please visit http://kitryn-marie.weebly.com
