"Lessons In Life Are Repeated Until Learned"
"Lessons In Life Are Repeated Until Learned"
The truth has a way of surfacing. It is what eats at the conscious.
His mind continued to wander in shame. Thinking, "he may have abused her, fought with her, cheated on her, and often loved her intimately, there were times, so he thought, he could manipulate her... he could never control her."
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She had a mind of her own with defensive strong willed ideas on how they needed to live and what they needed to do as a couple to make their relationship work. She loved him deeply for different reasons. Beyond an immediate attraction, there were coincidences neither could explain. Forces that drew them together. It was love ... all messy and torrid ... a passionate love that foolishly wasted time-fighting for what was wanted. She did not need him. She wanted him and there was a big difference. She didn't need anyone. She never did and she refused to melt into his ways. A conformist she was not! There was no reason for it. There was no need for the trade off... She had herself to offer. Nothing more and nothing less. A priceless value that no dollar sign could be put on. She had always worked for what she wanted... and held steadfast in value.
She absolutely had no desire for an addiction or the necessity of lowering herself to mingle among inflicted character associations.
Her idea of love was based on a feeling, an emotion, a connection, not a bank account or an income status. Not a spoiled only child like him, where everything was easily handed to him or when things had fallen in default, a ready hand was there to bail him out. Nor for her, had there been a previous marriage where there was a dependence on the others income to exceed to higher income bracket... or what could boost a current title.
That was not what love was about...
She gave a f..k less about money. In her make-up was the drive to succeed together with just what they had. A raw emotion...clawing and clinging to what each could contribute to each other with each other! What mattered to her and what she wanted the most was that he came home to her at the end of the day. Discussing each others day, what their next plan would be, where their next jaunt could take them ... with each other, for each other and what needed to be done with and for kids just to live happy ... Nowhere in that equation did it call for what she could do just for him and what he currently needed for a status lift. That was not how this love story was going read...
Behind every good man is a women who stands strongly behind him, believing in him with a full heart because he has placed stock and value in her with his love... and is proud to say,
" She is mine!"
She was a woman with good values and she believed with all her stubbornness, no good woman wants to live where others had lived before her! No good woman wants to sleep in the same bed where cheap boozed up trollops laid. A good woman wants a family and wants to instill good home family values in a home that is built by two!
Family value is backed by each other striving for the same home life!
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He continued to reminisce on his bad behavior. Recounting how many women there actually were during their tenure together. A bit of remorse came over him. A sick feeling in the pit of his stomach. He knew she loved him... and he could not fathom why in the world he needed to have those other women or why he did that to her. They did have a good life. He knew she believed in him. And here he was stuck in this current situation, where there was no real amount of feeling anywhere.... routine is what it had become. No love of any kind was needed for a routine. He found himself working all the time not wanting to come home and every chance he got he would sneak somewhere not to be found. A very familiar theme...
Yes, his house was better put together. Yes, for the sake of saying, his business was running efficiently and yes, for once in a long while there was money to be had. It was a lot of yes's for living a lie and living with deception. Here he was once again stuck in... something where there was no feeling ... knowing he was not with the right person. He was not in love... he had found himself in another business arrangement under false pretenses with someone he could hardly stomach to look at. There was no pride with her, the only fact was she "helped" him catapult to his next financial level... there were no heart strings of any kind.
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Time after time, she recounted all the women. There were 5 that she was aware of during their time together... Probably the one that got to her the most... the one he openly admitted having a fling with. As if that one would clear his conscious or smooth over but yet one more of his infidelities. She exclaimed in horror, "What about all the others? How do you justify those? You don't go from me to the other with no pause in between. That is how you have claimed to love me?" So it had seemed there was always another waiting somewhere along the line... one he always met in some dingy dive. Exasperated, she questioned his morality and wondered, "what type of women would hang in a place like that?... what did that say about her? She shook her head in thorough disgust....
Really who had the distorted view on love? She took him back each time ... after he had returned like a tom cat on a prowl. Hoping he would see the real in what they had but each time after a few short mos... he again would venture out. She did not have the means he wanted. There was no steady paycheck nor was there a thing for her to hand over to him. She was not enough for him and it wasn't ever good enough that she just be a decent person with high value that had no addictions, who fought for life, love, and the sanctity of their union. Apparently they were two different people that wanted different things...
She could never get it through his head... "you don't get it both ways. You roll through the mud with each other to come out clean. The grass is not greener on that other side. Nothing is perfect... and you don't go and get to trade off the current situation for a piece of ass so you can feel better about yourself. That is your insecurity because you are trying to make yourself feel better." And that was just what it was...
She couldn't have loved him any more than she did or openly show him in public (which she did often) and she did tell him over and over and over... how much she wanted and loved him, but it didn't matter. It wasn't enough... and he allowed all his insecurities to take over his preposterous behavior ... ruining the love they once had and obliterating trust. He needed to know that someone else, (elsewhere) thought he had it all going on and wanted him. Although he often accused her of being the perfect girl for an affair... the truth was, it was him who had become the man known for his consecutive insidious poorly chosen affairs. He had it all backward and sickeningly had turned it all around on her.
She tried to come to terms with it all ... realizing in order to make him feel good about himself, he needed to be with women of a less character, unsightly larger women, that would sit with him in a dive, with a steady income status, who thought he was wonderful... that willingly would trade themselves and hand over whatever they had to desperately merit and keep his attention... It was a gain for him. The perfect arrangement.
Constantly looking out her door, like so many times before, she waited for his vehicle to pull into her drive way. There were countless times, too many to recall when his anxiety had gotten the very best of him when his conscious made a showing. Where he tried to fix what he had done and all the times he struggled for words hoping she really did not know about all the other women and what he had done or why he did what he did!
All she ever wanted to know was that he was done with his nonsense cheating and running around and he just loved her and wanted to make it work! this time for real... but it never happened.
All she ever wanted to know was that he was done with his nonsense cheating and running around and he just loved her and wanted to make it work! this time for real... but it never happened.
There was no need to back peddle now. He was living what he set out to accomplish... She finally had it figured it out...it didn't matter how much she loved him because there was no gain in it for him. It was not enough for her to just love him. There was nothing else to offer but her love.
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Sadly, he had failed to realize when you are intoxicated enough anything looks good. When it is all said and done, it doesn't look so good ....waking up to someone you don't love. Eventually, you sober up and see it for what it is. The deal isn't so perfect after all.
There are hard adjustments when it comes to love and settling for an arrangement. You can sell yourself and trade your soul off for a deal... but you will die a slow death being starved for love from someone you don't love and that was why that golden invisible thread remained because that was where his heart was attached.
"Lessons in Life are Repeated Until Learned"
Meet Me In St. Louis,
Kitryn Marie
What good was that house all put together... it was empty.
