Fidelity, Loyalty and My Best Friend
It is always this first sentence I get stuck with… The let’s
grip you from the very beginning, sink your teeth in opening and saddle on up
statement because I have something to say! I have convinced myself it is
something y’all need to read! After all it is a new year so why not have a new
perspective and shine a brighter light on an old subject! Relationships and what we expect from our mate!
I can only speak from my experience with what I grew up
with, what I was taught and what I saw. I am a firm believer we are products of
our environment and although we get to pick and choose the better parts of our
growing up and learning years, as adults, we still become what we have seen and
what we have not seen, we over compensate and make up for! (Sometimes in the oddest
sense)
They say every girl looks for a man like their father, as to
every man looks for a woman like their mother. (Respectable and hopefully one
that cooks.) I wish… I could say this wasn’t true. (This is where whoever is reading this… needs
to start doing their own comparisons)
From those deductions, I have realized, I have tolerated a
lot more than most women but I have also learned the importance of fidelity, loyalty and having a best friend
in a mate and not tolerating any less then that.
From early on I learned all the classic examples of
relationships by watching Gidget (the Sandra Dee and James Darren version) movies.
(LOL) There the charming 1950’s movie simply states, boy meets girl. Girl falls for boy. Boy does something really, really and I mean really stupid and the smart girl does everything in her feminine ways to get his attention! After all do we not remember what her grandmother’s
sampler said, "To be a Real Woman is to bring out the Best in a Man”.
All kidding aside, whatever we saw in our homes is what we
base most of our “first” relationship skills on. It is only as we grow up and
have several relationships and go through the many horrors of dating do we
learn the real truths.
Very reluctantly I admit, the boy who, I will not name, who
had the affection of my heart for too many years as a young teenager through
early adulthood, wanted everybody but me and the agony of doing everything
possible to get his attention just wasn’t enough to win him over… although this
I will say, for someone who did not want me, he always seemed to be at my house!
(That’s a mystery that may never be solved!) Finally I got so tired of his cat
and mouse games, I married someone else! But in doing that I did it all for the
wrong reasons.
My grandma’s relentless love advice, “It’s just as easy to marry
a poor man than it is a rich man.” Which followed by “ Marry someone who loves you more than you
love them.” Which than followed, “if you can avoid an argument do so…don’t rock
the boat.” Hello what the hell kind of advice is that to give a 12 year old starry
eyed girl who was already in love with love?
Unfortunately none of her advice did me any good while married. As I just explained, finally this past Christmas to my kids, we gave it our best shot. We had great kids! We were young and I/we thought we were doing the right thing… He just wasn’t my best friend.
It was only after my divorce I really discovered the truth
about dating. And to date, the relationship department is still a work in
progress! OIY VEY dating is like having a second job! A lot of work and effort
has to go in it…
The objective of dating (as an adult) is to find some one
you like enough that makes you want to leave your house in hopes of discovering
some fun, some laughter, some adult conversation, something you have in common,
something you can learn to accept about each other, something “you
get” about each other and lastly sexually worthy. (More on the sex
thing later)
I learned along time ago …drum roll… the number one thing about dating is it usually does not
work out! Which is also the number two rule…
Dating is awkward at times and uncomfortable at the least… it’s
an interviewing process that takes the guess work out of …..”hhhhmmmmmmm just
maybe?” Is he/she material enough to be my best friend…for life?
Dating is like trying on a glove. You just keep doing it
till you find one that fits just right… and while you are doing it your
requirements in a mate deepens: Hence loyalty and trust. And for the record,
let’s not forget mutual respect! If there is no respect than there is no
purpose in continuing with anything!
Oddly enough, I have now been divorced longer than I was married. So I have dated and I have been in a few relationships that have been no story book romance. Some things are easier to get over than others and although I like to think I am a woman of substance… I still believe, “hell hath no fury like a woman who has been scorned.” And being
cheated on is the biggest disrespect of them all and there is not enough karma
in this world or the hereafter that will do enough justice… where I am concerned!
The whole point of being in that relationship is to build on
the original bond that was formed. Let’s call it like it is, if you are not
happy than get out of the relationship. Be adult enough to know when enough is
enough. Maturity allows you to put
anything up on the table for discussion. If there is loyalty anything can be
discussed and worked out or at least through. Do not put that person through
the torture of questioning their very existence (cause that is what happens) It
is a horrid torture that even aliens would not do! The heart ache of questioning
why
is more unbearable than you could ever imagine!
(What I have learned about people that cheat, they are
unhappy with themselves. They take nothing serious not even themselves. Often
they will accuse or throw out some ridiculous accusation to take any “odd”
behavior away from them self. They have a deflated ego that needs a cheap high…
a cheap escape…they have an addiction of the worse kind and it is pathological)
When you have had several different scenarios combined with
life experience, children and now maybe aging parents… it is a baggage that is
carried forward that you can only hope whoever it is you meet, is very skilled
at unpacking.
Oh let me mention the unrequited love, the one love you know
you have to have. The one you have made an absolute fool out of yourself over
and the one you really just don’t want to let go of… Ok NOW let’s just replace “Gidget”
with “He’s just not that into you” If
he/she wanted to be with… they would move mountains on earth to be with you. He/she
would STOP HIDING BEHIND THEIR STUPID PHONE TO SPEAK WITH YOU!!! There would be
no amount of kids, work, the bar and baggage that would keep him/her away! You would be the exception and they would come hell or high water to be
there with you! Yeah it sucks but it is what it is… move on and leave that
sorry ass alone! Do not be a fool and wait by the phone for that pathetic text!
Texting is the player’s favorite game these days!
Ok now… lets get down to the nitty gritty, lets talk sex! (Thought I’d get your attention) We are adults right? Once you have established you really like this person, they are
AVAILABLE {clean and healthy is a plus} and you are interested in exploring, shall we say??? Than why not. It is the intimacy that brings couples together, it is the monogamy of trust that lies within the boundaries of LOVE. It is the acceptance of each others flaws, bellies, cellulite and creaks of old bones… Get it… take it while it’s there! And if it is waning than discuss with your partner other ways of intimacy even if it’s just cuddling and kissing! We live in a very modern time and there is just about a pill or a solution for everything! So if your drive is in low gear… time to shift gears.
Well now that that is all said, how far am I off my original first few paragraphs? Have you thought about your choice in partners? Have you realized why you are attracted and hell bent on “this one”?
I can say the men I have been involved with do have some of my dad’s traits. My dad had some serious flaws but he also had a few remarkable attributes too! From that, I have picked the better and chosen the kind of partner, mate, muse and lover I want…
One that has fidelity, one that is Loyal and one that is my
very best friend in the whole wide world that wants to come home to me!!!! And only
me! And that has more respect for me than any story book or movie can write
about.
What more could any modern day woman ask for… besides what use to hold
true possibly still may:
"To be a Real Woman is to bring out the
Best in a Man”. And vice-a versa…too!
Meet Me In St. Louis,
Kitryn Marie
